I thought about going on an all almond diet, but that's just nuts.
If you give a woman an inch, she probably won't call you again.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
I couldn't make the urology convention, so I watched the live stream.
Another beer bottle with no genie at the bottom. I'll keep looking.
I've survived too many storms to be bothered by raindrops.
If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards you get "Gnihton Yletulosba", which means absolutely nothing.
Money doesn't impress me unless it's my money.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
Do your eyes hurt from too much screen time? There's a nap for that.
If Taylor Swift sang at my funeral, I'd get up and leave.
Before I explain, how much do you already know?
I just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #2". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for awhile.
I've spent a great deal of my life realizing I should have shut up ten minutes ago.
My wife told my I can be a real idiot sometimes. That was so nice of her to give me permission like that.
If you have to check your surroundings before you open up your photo gallery, you're my kind of people.
The family that sticks together should bathe more often.
I'm really good at sports. I once came first in a threesome.
When I was a kid my mom was so over protective, we were only allowed to play Rock, Paper.
Nothing is better than spending time with family. That's why I'm doing nothing at Christmas this year.
I joined a new dating service for people who are on the same meds as me. It's called Relationscripts.
Men should be glad that women just want equality and not revenge.
Prosthetic leg for sale. Makes great stocking stuffer!
Pre-school rules and bar rules are the same. If you pee your pants you have to go home.
If you pee on the seat, urine trouble.
I miss the days when shouting "Not it!" was an effective way of getting out of something you didn't want to do.
I used to date a girl who owned a parrot. The damn thing never shut up. The parrot was nice though.
I have a black eye in Karate.
Does anyone else find it strange that when the star ship Enterprise boldly goes where no man has gone before, they always find someone else there?
After eating an entire Thanksgiving meal, I'm proud to say that my socks still fit.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The best part of pooping with the door open is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
I'm fantastic in the sack. Just last week I won three races.
Your body is 70% water and I'm thirsty.
Give a man a fish... and apparently you're a lousy Secret Santa.
My trainer tells me that my fitness goals are within my reach. Unfortunately, so are my snacks.
My parents said, "Marry a man with strong convictions." So, I married an inmate.
I tried to share a bag of potato chips with a homeless guy. He told me to get lost and go buy my own.
My doctor said he was concerned about my high blood pressure. I said, "Well, next time don't leave me in the waiting room for two hours."
I have the body of a twenty-five year old couch.
I wish I was in a gang so I knew what to do with my hands in photos.
My father worked twelve hours to put food on the table. He was the slowest cook I ever knew.
If you're ever lost in the woods, just look for the North Star. It's twinkling will comfort you as you die.
At my house, scraps of food that fall off the table are called Floor d'ouevres.
When shit happens, step over it.
You look sad. Can I offer you a shoulder to put your legs on?
Darts are like sex. If you're confident you can stick it anywhere.
I have benefits if anyone needs a friend.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
If I had to choose between bacon and coffee, I'd slap the person who made me choose.
Someone should start a rumor about a shortage of jobs so people would panic and go get one.
I asked at a shop, "Can I pay by card?". The clerk said, "Sure, which card do you have?" I said, "The six of spades."
Doggie style means I get a treat afterwards, right?
You wanna come over and maybe come over and over?
I just found out that my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the minute she walked through the door.
It's finally October, which means that all of the cobwebs in my house are now Halloween decorations.
You gotta love daylight savings time. There's nothing like watching the sunset while you're eating your lunch.
I pay all my bills on payday so I can enjoy the $12 I have left in peace.
I'm not having a nap. I taking a horizontal pause.
In high school I was so excited to become a senior. I'm not too thrilled about it now.
I read a book about the best way to clean your pig. It was nothing but hogwash.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian, now I need a Cairo practor.
I just realized that some people don't like to hold hands in public. Especially the ones who don't know you.
My patience is like a gift card. I'm not sure how much is left on it, but we can give it a try.
According to my calculations, I can retire about five years after I die.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there that are using Charmin?
I asked my wife what women want. She said, "A tent of lovers." Or maybe it was, "Attentive lovers." I wasn't really listening.
My wife and I were arguing about who has the most power, men or women. She reminded me that power comes from the socket, not the plug.
When I'm sad I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect on my wife?
I seized the day, but I didn't life with my knees, so I also seized my back.
My favorite part of Fall is when the mosquitoes go back to Hell.
It's never too late to start exercising. That's why I'm waiting until later.
Due to the sick and twisted nature of the people in this group, I'm not leaving.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a regular shower but with me in it.
The best way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the person who upset you.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an "L" so hard than when I asked the Home Depot guy where I could get some caulk.
Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to go back to bed.
I just got my electric bill. The next time you come to my house, please bring a flashlight.
Dear life. I already know that you are not fair. Please stop teaching me that lesson.
I bumped into a beautiful woman today that asked me for my phone number. Then she wanted my insurance information.
Chicken pot pie. Three of my favorite things.
I don't understand why people dislike vegans so much. I've never had a beef with any of them.
I drank a little wine last night while I did my taxes. It turns out I'm getting four million dollars back this year.
I hate my moods. They never ask my permission before they change.
May your day be filled with glitter that someone else has to clean up.
I'm going to start a flight company exclusively for bald people. It's called Receding Airlines.
If you've made your point, stop talking.
I'll never forget the day I got married. I've tried everything. Drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis.
My yoga pose for the day is the downward spiral.
All animals at the zoo must earn their keep by doing chores. The lion sweeps tonight.
You know you're getting old when you run into your friends at a pharmacy instead of a nightclub.
I'm not old. I prefer the term, Numerically Robust.
I will never understand people's fascination with their ancestry. Isn't knowing your current family bad enough?
The hospital you are born in is the only building you ever leave without entering.
My wife left me today. She said I put sports ahead of our marriage. We were together six seasons.
A woman without curves is like a pair of jeans without pockets. You don't know where to put your hands.
"Ceiling" would be a good name for a band. Their followers would be called ceiling fans.
You're not drinking enough water if you need a $50 cup to keep it cold until next Tuesday.
I don't make mistakes. I create unexpected outcomes.
It's okay to bite the hand that feeds you if it's feeding you bull shit.
I overheard a woman at Walmart say to her kids, "You campaigning for an ass whooping and you just about to win the election!"
I used to date a homeless girl. It was great. When the date was over I could just drop her off anywhere.
Missing someone is a terrible feeling. Ask any sniper.
Porn gives young people unrealistic and unhealthy expectations about how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
When my wife is angry with me, I tighten all of the jar lids so she has to talk to me.
I have the power to make any woman tingle all over... Thanks to the new taser gun I got for Christmas.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I'm drunk?
I've had bad luck with both of my wives. The first one left and the second one didn't.
A homeless man had a sign that read, "Someday this could be you." So I put my dollar back in my pocket just in case he's right.
My great-grandfather invented the glove. Not by himself, but he did have a hand in it.
Idolizing a politician is like believing a stripper really likes you.
I'm thinking of taking up coin collecting. The change will do me good.
I've been hiding from exercise. I'm in the fitness protection program.
I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Counting today, I haven't had a drink in zero days.
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.
If alcohol can damage your short term memory, imagine the damage that alcohol can do.
A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers. So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women.
Do you remember when I told you the joke about the Chiropractor? It was about a week back.
Just because I have nice things doesn't mean I'm rich. It means I spend my money poorly.
I remember wanting to grow up and have a job. So yeah, I've always been an idiot.
I have the perfect body... but it's in the trunk and it's starting to smell.
A woman goes to a butcher shop and says, "I'd like an ox tail please." "Certainly," said the butcher. "Once upon a time there was a ox..."
Throwing Scrabble tiles around the room is all fun and games until somebody loses an i.
Two dudes were beating up a little kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
My friend handed me a peach. I said, "I prefer pears." So he handed me another one.
I just realized that cottage cheese isn't really cheese. It's just a curd to me.
I'm no magician, but I once turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage.
I wanted to stay in shape, so I started doing lunges. That's a big step forward.
I stopped telling jokes about unemployed people because none of them worked.
A vagina is like a tin roof. If you don't nail it enough, it ends up over at the neighbor's.
Sorry I'm late. I put lotion on my hands and couldn't get out of the bathroom for thirty minutes.
I'm not always right, but when I am it's usually all the time.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories with, "When I was little..."?
According to The Flat Earth Society, they have members all around the globe.
Whoever convinced blind people that they need sunglasses was one hell of a salesman.
I just burned 3000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take nap.
Dear autocorrect. Get you act together. I have never called anyone a can't.
I love to hear those three little words, "All charges dismissed."
My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a get well soon card.
Technically, all the money you have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I just got accepted for a porn movie role. I'm the husband going to work.
McDonald's drive-through needs a third window where you can trade in all the wrong food they gave you at the second window.
The key to healthy living is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
I'm dating a girl that identifies as a trash can. I don't know if I should take her out on Monday or Tuesday.
If they were really trying to prepare kids for real life, they'd offer a class called "Working With Ass Holes."
I just received some great financial news! The boy I was sponsoring in Africa has been eaten by a lion.
She said she wanted a man that could take her breath away. So I farted and now she won't speak to me.
Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.
2020 was still better than my first marriage.
Old age is when it takes you longer to get over a good time than to have it.
Some people call them ex-fiancees. I prefer near Mrs.
You can tell a lot about a woman just by the way she pours gasoline on your car.
I am not her sugar daddy. I'm her glucose guardian.
The first five Florists I called in the phone book knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly, I'm the idiot.
Apparently calling someone's kids, "Semen Demons" is not socially acceptable. Who knew?
I arrived at the Kleptomania Convention fifteen minutes early, but all of the seats had already been taken.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for six years and I had no idea he was a barber.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was normal, then it was Light, and now it's Zero.
I asked my wife, "How do I turn Alexa off?" She said, "Have you tried walking around naked?"
Have you ever noticed that the longer you stay at home, the more homeless you look?
A TV chef said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." I know he was talking about food, but I'm still taking it as a compliment.
I always see more people walking into Walmart than walking out of Walmart. But the meat is cheap, so I don't ask any questions.
My Grandfather invented the cold-air balloon. It never really took off.
I told her I have the body of a 19-year-old. She said, "Prove it." So I opened the freezer.
Did you hear about the new movie coming out starring Tom Cruise and Alec Baldwin? It's called "Prop Gun".
It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck, but now I can look back and laugh.
Do dentists call their x-rays tooth-pics?
Drinking light beer is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I keep hearing a buzzing in my ears, but the doctor said it's just a bug that's going around.
You've been on the market so long, you should put yourself on clearance.
My friend with the stuttering problem just got sentenced to prison. I fear he may never finish his sentence.
After ten years as President of The Ladder Club, I've decided to step down.
I'm not always right, but when I am it's usually all the time.
I was walking barefoot on the beach and I stepped on a rusty piece from an old video game. Now I have to get a Tetris shot.
I wonder how much jail time I would get if I actually did unto others as they have done to me.
I once entered the world kleptomaniac contest. I took home the gold, silver and bronze.
My friend joined a cult that worships black holes. I'd hate to get sucked into something like that.
Sure, I can keep my mouth shut, but you can read the subtitles on my face.
The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.
My husband and I are doing a workshop. He works. I shop.
I gave the rest of my pastry to two pigeons. I filled two birds with one scone.
I'm cut from a different cloth, and they don't make this fabric anymore.
Anyone out there want a pair of broken binoculars? Look no further.
My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle. I road on ruthlessly.
My patience is like a gift card. I'm not sure how much is left, but we can give it a try.
The first person to see an egg come out of a chicken's ass must have been really hungry.
Overestimating my knowledge is my real Hercules' heel.
I'm not saying I'm having a bad day, but I just tried to enter my bank PIN into the microwave.
I'm reading a fascinating book about the greatest basement ever. It was a best cellar.
I'm at the age where not finding parking for an event is enough to make me go home.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes: Large, small, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings...
You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.
It sucks being a grownup. Nobody tells you that you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
You say you're looking for a stud? I've got the std, now all I need is u.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I watched a documentary on marijuana last night. That's probably how I'll watch all documentaries from now on.
Me: "My girlfriend has her period all weekend." My friend: "Bummer." Me: "Great idea! I never thought of that!"
I'm not crazy. I prefer the term "mentally hilarious."
Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug? She's having a baby in the spring.
My new stair lift is driving me up the wall.
Yesterday I enjoyed my first time ever bobbing up and down in the sea. It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.
A cop left a note on my car to let me know that I had parked correctly. It said Parking Fine.
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club. It was open Mike night.
I'm reading a book about school truancy by Marcus Absent.
Am I getting older, or is the supermarket finally playing great music?
McDonalds is now incorporating meat from endangered species into their burgers. I just had a quarter panda.
It's so hard to discipline the you out of your child.
Did you ever have one of those days where you wanted to put vodka in the humidifier?
As soon as they find out you're not stupid, all of a sudden you're "crazy."
Double negatives are a no-no in English.
I wanted to stop bacon from curling in the pan, so I took away their little brooms.
When your kids want to learn how to drive, don't stand in their way.
If a woman sleeps with ten men, she's a tramp. If a man does it, he's definitely gay.
Snow is the only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.
90% of women who wear yoga pants don't go to yoga. 100% of straight men don't care.
I told my wife that men are like fine wine, they get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
When your mom said, "Get a man that can cook," she didn't mean crack or meth.
My dog ate my pronouns. He she it everywhere.
This is a bit of a long shot, but does anyone know a sniper?
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
My half-brother and I aren't allowed to play with chain saws anymore.
Getting back together with your ex is like trying to warm up McDonalds in a microwave.
My wife is thinking about leaving me because of my obsession with poker. I think she's bluffing.
I put whiskey in my coffee because... It's Ireland somewhere.
I was attacked by a flock of sheep today. Luckily I was only grazed.
I've decided to stop seeking the approval of others. Is everyone okay with that?
You can swim with dolphins for free, but to swim with sharks will cost you an arm and a leg.
I went to a school for magicians, but I failed the final exam. They were all trick questions.
When I was a kid, gas station air was free, now it's $2. That's inflation for ya.
I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Real girls are never perfect and perfect girls are never real.
I don't mean to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out.
A women's roofing expo will be held next weekend. All the shingle ladies will be there.
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was all alone in the bath when all of a sudden I felt a tap on the shoulder.
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.
I try to be nice to everyone because, what if they have a hot sister?
Let's have a "Who's better in bed" contest. I hope to be a sore loser.
If I'm reading their lips correctly, the neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I want to open a Two Dollar store for people who enjoy the finer things.
This morning's coffee was so strong it woke up some of my ancestors.
My friend said he wants to get a Star Wars character tattooed on his forehead. I can't wait to see the Luke on his face.
I don't always fart at Burger King, but when I do it's a whopper.
I need a wine that pairs well with difficult relatives.
I intend to eat more doughnuts. It's the original hole food.
I wasn't thrilled to learn that my wife is into bondage, but my hands are tied.
How am I supposed to learn to trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
My girlfriend poked me in the eye, so I stopped seeing her.
A hacker was so disappointed when he broke into my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page.
All I want is a two income household and to live alone.
My wife said I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right.
Did you hear about the wig shop that got robbed? They're going to replace all the locks.
My wife tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter.
Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. He said, "Why can't you just use a sponge like a normal dad?"
I asked my doctor how to cure water on the brain. He suggested a tap on the head.
I woke up this morning and my whole body had turned to corn. If anybody has any suggestions, I'm all ears.
I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy. It's not like I did anything.
My doctor just told me I have an addiction to Viagra. My wife is taking it very hard.
I just heard that a large oil company is planning on making gasoline out of insect urine. I think it's BP.
I'm staying home today. I think I have mood poisoning.
If at first you don't succeed, it's only attempted murder.
My wife gets angry if I make breakfast puns. She said if I make one more, I'm toast.
If you're experiencing joint pain you're probably holding the lit end.
My sister just delivered a baby. I knew she had it in her.
There was a fire at Ikea today. We all assembled in the parking lot.
I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet to remind me of why there's no money in there.
I just started a band called The Subtractions. Take it away boys!
I lost the volume control knob for my radio about a month ago. It hasn't turned up since.
Buy someone a plane ticket and they'll fly for the rest of the day. Push someone out of a plane and they'll fly for the rest of their lives.
My girlfriend complains that I don't smile anymore. She's the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Doctors say that there are eight million people in the world who are overweight. Of course, those are just round figures.
Did you hear about the boxing week sale at the pet store? Buy one dog, get one flea.
A man was seriously injured today after being run over by a reversing car. Police are urging the driver to come forward.
We were once so poor I had to use a calendar for toilet paper. Now those days are behind me.
I went to a restaurant run by cows. They don't allow tipping.
My first apartment only had four foot ceilings. I couldn't stand living there.
I needed my pants hemmed quickly, so I called Taylor Swift.
I accidentally filled my blowup doll with helium. Now she's playing hard to get.
I was eating in an outdoor cafe when it started raining. It took an hour and a half to finish my soup.
If I had sex as often as I get screwed, life would be awesome.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it incorrectly.
I refused to let the fact that I wear a colostomy bag deter me from taking up Karate. And now I have a brown belt.
Ladies, I want you to know that I'm fantastic in the sack. Just last week I won three races.
The closest I get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face.
When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word. "I'm sorry. You're right."
I once posed naked for a magazine. The shop keeper wasn't having any of it and told me I had to give him cash like everyone else.
I was terrible at spelling when I was in school. I was great at jografy though.
The inventor of the wind chill factor died today. He was 84, but he felt like he was 62.
The best Christmas present you can buy someone is a broken drum. Nobody can beat that.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Tampex has announced that they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing it with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against chairs, tables and walls.
I just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after being hit in the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
I haven't been laid in so long, I think my virginity is growing back.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's smallest bed sheet. More on this story as it unfolds.
How long should you date someone before you meet their spouse?
Note to all premature Christmas decorators: Calm down. Mary hasn't even told Joseph that she's pregnant yet.
I took a taxi to the laundromat. I felt like I'd been taken to the cleaners.
Have you ever noticed how well your morning coffee pairs with silence?
My doctor told me I'm going deaf. That news was hard to hear.
I just entered a "Tightest Hat" contest. I just hope I can pull it off.
The other night I paused a film to make a cup of tea. Now I've lost my job at the cinema.
I ordered a vault and a speaker online. They arrived safe and sound.
The midget at the urinal beside me kept winking. I said, "Dude, I'm not gay." He said, "I'm not either, but you keep splashing me in my eye."
I once entered the world kleptomaniac championship. I took the gold, the silver and the bronze.
I had hip surgery, but the hospital won't let me keep the bone as a souvenir. They've got joint custody.
I had sex for an hour and forty seconds last week, thanks to Daylight Savings Time.
I think it's wrong that only one company is allowed make Monopoly.
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
Sometimes I'll read a text and think, "What a psycho." Then I hit send.
The leading cause of dry skin is towels.
My friend just made a video of his wife coloring her hair. He's going to show me the highlights later.
I don't have the faintest idea why I passed out.
Last month my wife bought a Sylvester Stallone pillow and put it in the middle of the bed. Since then, things have been Rocky between us.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I'm looking to buy an old lighthouse. Nothing flashy.
I caught my neighbor stealing socks off of my clothesline. I was going to confront him, but then I got cold feet.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Whatever you do, do not read it.
