More One Liners
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen... I can feel it.
My poker playing friend has a new prosthetic arm. He's having a hard time dealing with it.
I saw a baguette at the zoo. It was bread in captivity.
I got a job working in a 24 hour chess factory. I'm on knights this week.
Yesterday I put a deposit on a new bed. Shortly afterward I was asked to leave Ikea.
I met Neil Armstrong once. He was surprisingly down to earth.
Procrastination is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow plus you have nothing to do today.
A cure for premature ejaculation can't come soon enough.
I sleep better naked. Why can't flight attendants understand that?
I just bought a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
My mom said it's wrong to shoplift, but I'm not buying it.
When baking dog biscuits, be sure to use collie flour.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. I'm now at the hospital, waiting to be seen.
Knowing how to pick locks has opened up a lot of doors for me.
Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays, but in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.
I told my wife it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps, but all I got was icy stares.
I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the vodka inside. It seems to help.
My urologist is pleased with my test results. He's my number one fan.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Remember, it's "i before e", except when your foreign neighbor, Keith, receives eight counterfeit, beige sleighs from a feisty, weight lifter.
Thanks for teaching me the meaning of plethora. It means a lot.
My favorite color is purple. I like it better than blue and red combined.
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starters pistol.
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasteurize before you see it.
I scraped my elbow while digging for gold. It was a miner injury.
I shot my first turkey today. I scared the crap out of everybody in the frozen food aisle.
Last week I visited a Doritos farm. What a cool ranch!
Dart boards on the ceiling are disgusting. They make me throw up.
I have a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
I shot a man with a paint ball gun just to watch him dye.
Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
The other day my wife told me that sex is better on holiday. It wasn't the best postcard I've ever received.
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low Ha?
Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great.
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money.
I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper is jammin' again.
I once knew a woman that owned a taser. Man, she was stunning. She wasn't just cute, she was electrocute.
The invention of the shovel was ground breaking, but the invention of the broom was the one that swept the nation.
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
The fact that Hooters hasn't launched a home delivery service called Knockers seems like a missed business opportunity to me.
I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
The invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.
I'm right 98% of the time. The other 3% is when I do math.
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I'll buy one ply toilet paper at the dollar store.
A janitor asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with him. I declined. I can't deal with high maintenance people.
Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. Will there be an express lane for people with twelve teeth or less?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself, "I'm going to get thrown out of Ikea any minute."
I went to a bar last night dressed as a tennis ball. I got served right away.
If anyone has an idea about how to fix my condensation problem, please drop around. The kettle's always on.
An escaped prisoner was caught camping in the woods. It was a clear case of criminal in tent.
If clothes make the man, why do naked people have so much influence on society?
I have a poor knowledge of Greek mythology. It's always been my Achilles elbow.
I should have known my partner was secretly into bull fighting. There were red flags everywhere.
We were so poor growing up, we ate ordinary K for breakfast.
My friend composes ditties about sewing machines. She's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs.
My recliner and I go way back.
I was kidnapped by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.
I didn't mean to push all of your buttons. I was just looking for Mute.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
The news that I was color blind came completely out of the green.
I was never a fan of organ donation, but then I had a change of heart.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.
What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor.
I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation group, so I just came in my pants.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployment, but none of them work.
I didn't think that orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
A friend said he didn't understand cloning. I said, "That makes two of us."
We had a contest at work for the best neckwear. It was a tie.
People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Does anyone know if it's safe to dye your pubes? It's a bit of a grey area.
My mom carried on working as a librarian when she was pregnant with me. Unfortunately I was three weeks overdue and it cost her $20.
I know a girl who says she once gave a hand job to Albert Einstein. What a stroke of genius!
I remember the time I lost my thesaurus. I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.
The hardest part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows across the lake.
I took a pole recently and 100% were annoyed that their tent had fallen down.
I don't want to retire, I just want a six month vacation twice a year.
My grief councilor died recently, but luckily he was so good that I don't give a shit.
All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. The problems is, after a few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.
Some folks remind me of an old TV set. You have to hit them a few times before they get the picture.
I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time.
My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
I'm more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.
I thought growing old would take longer.
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants... Feefiphobia.
I went to a paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
I'm fat, but I identify as skinny. I'm trans-slender.
My friends offered to buy me a coffin. Thanks. That's the last thing I need.
I'm so old I don't have a doctor. I have an archaeologist.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
I've just watched a documentary on marijuana. Personally I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
If you're experiencing joint pain, you're probably holding the lit end.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Taking a dog named "shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.
Opinions are like orgasms. Mine is more important and I really don't care if you have one.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off of my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
So it's i before e except after c? Man, that's weird.
There are two reasons I don't trust people. 1 - I don't know them. 2 - I know them.
It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you. It's like the trash took itself out.
I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to come home from work tomorrow.
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they've never even seen one of his paintings.
I just sold my homing pigeon on ebay for the 22nd time.
My winter fat is finally gone. Now I have spring rolls.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but it's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale. $1. Volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
I'm looking after my blacksmith's dog. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
The first rule of cleaning while listening to music is the toilet brush is never the microphone.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
The benefits of Origami are two fold.
Exit signs are on the way out.
Did you ever get halfway though eating a horse and think, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there is a good chance they'll see you later.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Last week a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Today my son asked me how I know that everyone driving is named Dick.
Is an argument between to vegans still called a beef?
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.
I considered being a stay-at-home mom until I realized the kids would be there.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I've asked more than 100 women what type of soap they prefer in the shower. The most common answer is, "How the hell did you get in here?"
My friend David lost his ID. Now we just call him Dav.
You can tell an ant's gender by putting it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
I was so bored I spent an hour crushing cans. It was soda pressing.
My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. I'm worried shitless.
I overdosed on Viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.
I was going to start my diet next week, but I've got too much on my plate.
I had a grandfather who would never throw anything away. He died in the war, hanging on to a hand grenade.
I once had a job doing filing for the Mafia. I was involved in very organized crime.
I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me, until I fell into a printing press.
When I saw my first strands of grey hair I thought I'd dye.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realized I had made it home safely.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday. So I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Boobs are like kids toys. They are fun to play with, but they eventually end up in the mouth.
I like my women like I like my glasses... sitting on my face.
Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?
I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I'm your sister-in-law."
True love is when two people lower their standards just the right amount.
If you keep following your dreams they're going to file a restraining order.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.
Whoever invented "Knock-Knock" jokes should get a no-bell prize.
News Flash: Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I put my Grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Auto correct has become my worst enema.
Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, I'm glad it's the yawn.
The fastest way to quit being vegan is cold turkey.
I've always been afraid of gardening, but I decided to grow a pear.
If you have scurvy, you should hope life hands you lemons.
I knew the moment I slapped a statue on the ass I had hit rock bottom.
What women know as a front closing bra, men will know as a front opening bra.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, and spat and swore at anyone who came near him. After that we never played Monopoly again.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
My family is making me fat. I should stop eating them.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realized I had made it home safely.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
My wife's mad at me again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.
The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband's voice right.
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
My father invented the side car mirror. I won't get any royalties because we're not as close as we appear.
I was really bad at math in school. I can't count how many times I failed it.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Don.
My husband lets me do all the shopping I can hide.
I handle stress like a dog. I just piss and walk away.
Some call it bitching. I call it motivational speaking.
If you ever feel powerless, just remember that just a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything."
Of course you can go to a 50 cent concert. Here's a dollar. Take your brother.
I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
I can't find my friend Marco. Every time I call him some jerk hollers "Polo!"
Of course I believe in fitness. Right now I'm fittin' this pizza in my mouth.
Don't worry about old age. It doesn't last that long.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to reduce this belly.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
I will be the last person to die in my lifetime.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Visa.
A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the ear rings I wore in high school.
Our marriage is like a workshop. I work and my wife shops.
Dealing with stupid people is like playing soccer. You can use your head, but a swift kick is more effective.
Cleavage is like the Sun. You can glance at it for only a second, but if you wear sunglasses, you can look much longer.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
Marriage is like a phone call in the middle of the night. First comes the ring, then you wake up.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I am afraid it's closed.
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they're not it.
I want my children to have all things I couldn't afford: Then I'll move in with them.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Don't you wish your life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook?
Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.
You're damn right I'm good in bed. I can stay there all day.
There was an earthquake in Washington DC this morning. It's obviously the government's fault.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night."
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
Life is like a penis. Soft and hanging freely. It's women that make it hard.
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my penis.
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods overseas. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
I told my doctor I had fluid on my knee. He said "You're not aiming straight."
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
A 400 pound woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
This just in: Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
Dear women who are awesome, smart, sexy and deeply in love with me; Please start existing.
My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.
I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.
I once won an argument with a woman... in this dream I had.
My sex life is like a Ferrari. I don't have a Ferrari.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he'll fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months.
When I was a kid, my fairy Godmother asked me if I wanted a long memory or long penis. I forget my response.
When I was a kid, my dad used to beat me with a camera. I still have flashbacks.
So what if you can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
I was raised by my father. My mother left before I was born.
I farted on an elevator today, which was wrong on so many levels.
My high school marching band was so small, they formed a period.
I have a thing for blondes. Wanna see it?
Apple has scrapped plans for a new children's iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good name.
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
They put a new machine in at my gym that provides all my needs. KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers.
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
The best thing about the good old days is I wasn't good and I wasn't old.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a Fruit Salad
The Evening News is where they begin with 'Good Evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember, the Fire Department usually uses water!
Hospitality is the art of making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were
The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Screw that" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says "how do you know?" He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not listening."
A hangover is just your body's way of saying "I told you to stay drunk!"
The reason a dog is man's best friend is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
My wife says when we married, I saved her from a life of prosperity.
I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit!
A girl with a lisp asked me if I wanted to join her in a song. Now I need a lawyer.
My brother is so dumb, he nearly strangled himself with a cordless phone.
My girlfriend is so stupid, she thought an innuendo was an Italian suppository.
My wife is mad at me again. She sent me out for some feminine napkins. I came home with a package of Swiffer refills.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If you're not into oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
I'm happier than Michael Jackson at a Harry Potter book signing.
I'm as confused as a mosquito in a manequin factory.
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no wait, I take that back.
We Capricorns don't believe in horoscopes.
35% of all statistics are made up.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Excuses are like ass-holes. Everyone's got 'em and they all stink.
No one dies a virgin, life screws us all.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy? A family reunion.
A teacher is a person who used to think he liked children.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled...
Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first.
Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make it stand up straight.
I have amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!
If at first you don't succeed... you're doing about average.
My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.
Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.
The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.
When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
Sex burns up 350 calories each time. Please help me, I'm on a diet.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Rented cars are the only true "all terrain vehicle".
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
The secret to getting rid of unwanted pubic hair is to spit.
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
It is better to light just one candle...than to clean the whole apartment.
Not only did my ex-wife drive me crazy, she made me pay for the gas.
Some women are terribly hard to please...the rest are impossible!
At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I think if I ever have a kid, it's gonna be cordless.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.
They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.
My wife is so skinny, she can tread water in a garden hose.
I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Legalize maru...mawa...moua...mawo...ummm...Pot.
They say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who rested to death?
My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
Men are like roses. Watch out for the pricks.
Practice makes perfect...but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
Do you ever get the feeling that your stuff has strutted without you?
Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Before you open your mouth to speak, make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.
There is nothing wrong with California that the San Andreas fault cannot cure.
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Love is like a rash. It only feels good if you get to scratch it.
I'm an expert at multitasking. I can cheat on six diets at the same time.
Ladies, when you're climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress.
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.
I've cured myself of smoking in bed. I bought a water bed and filled it with gasoline.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
Why is it, when you're rich, it's "eccentric"; when you're poor, it's just strange.
Are the "good things that come to those who wait" really just leftovers from people who got there first?
Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.
If the minimum wage wasn't acceptable, it wouldn't be called the minimum.
If you can remain calm at my job, you just don't have all the facts.
My sister is so ugly, she could make Ray Charles flinch.
I'm a procrastinator. I didn't get my birthmark until I was eight years old.
My sister is so fat, she could jump up in the air and get stuck
It would save me a lot of time if my supermarket had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap".
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Despite the saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!
The only way to have safe sex is to abstain... from drinking.
Senior Moments are like vitamins; everyone gets one a day.
The real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women.
My wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver.
I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which is a lot cheaper.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
I responded to my girlfriend's marriage proposal by saying, "You're What?!"
Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.
I started seeing a therapist. She didn't know I was seeing her. That was kinda fun.
Some girls don't just choose a boyfriend, they pick him.....to pieces.
Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
Love is like a machine...sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.
Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
To err is human...and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
If you're in hell with someone, and you're still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?
Men must have invented maps. Who else would make an inch into a mile?
There are more men than women in mental hospitals...which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
My wife is so bored with sex, she only moans during commercial breaks.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.
Sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Boy am I tired. On the way in here, I felt something touching my heels. It was my ass.
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
He told me he could eat a 32 ounce steak, but I found that hard to swallow.
When we went to Las Vegas, I told my wife I wanted to gamble, but she said No Dice.
My penmanship is nothing to write home about.
At rifle competitions, the best team always wins by a long shot.
As I was wheeled into the operating room, I was begining to have a change of heart.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away
A clean house indicates that there is a broken computer in it.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
There are no new sins ... the old ones are just get more publicity.
I couldn't decide which of two physicians to see. It was a paradox.
It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
You ever notice that the word 'engaged' has the word 'gag' in the middle of it?
Are golf balls as painful as athlete's foot?
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life...provided we get cable tv.
I think I've got furniture disease... that's when your chest falls into your drawers.
After the first of the year, I will start using my Muslim name...Seldom Bin Laid.
Be naughty next year. Save Santa the trip.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry?
I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."
Live every day as if it were your last, because some day you'll be right
I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes jobs, he still ends up with the same boss.
I'm so lonely, my own tongue is starting to feel good in my mouth.
A young hooker uses Vaseline to get it in...an old one uses PolyGrip to keep it in.
Being miserable because of a former relationship means that the other person was right about you.
No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
It is no longer politically correct to say "Lesbian". They are now called "Vagitarians".
Every man should marry. After all, happiness isn't the only thing in life.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
Cell phones are also the only thing about which men sit around and brag who's got the smallest.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
Did you ask me to "hold on"? Ok, but my Mom says it's a dirty habit.
They say that love is the answer, but sex raises some pretty good questions.
I tried to go see a pirate movie, but they wouldn't let me in. It was rated arrrrrr!
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
How am I? If I were any better, I'd be twins.
I must be getting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.
My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Drinking makes me see double and feel single.
I don't really like cocaine...I just like the way it smells.
I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.
How important does a man have to be before he's considered assassinated instead of just murdered ?
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
Scientists have discovered a food that lowers a woman's sex drive by 90 percent...wedding cake.
There are only two times when I drink...when I'm alone or when I'm with someone.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Making love is great, but sometimes don't you just wanna get laid?
The survival of the fittest is going to make some guy awful lonesome some day.
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on.
How many roads must a man travel down...before he admits he is lost.
Young men may exaggerate, but old men pretend.
I just found out that I'm going to be a father...how will I ever tell my wife?
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
My wife is mad at me. I told her she had a run in her nylons, but she wasn't wearing any.
When I was a kid, I had so many pimples, blind people would try to read my face.
My complexion is so bad, I look like the goalie for a dart team.
College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Never get into fist fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Profanity is the crutch of inarticulate @ss holes.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
'Tis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't defrost.
My brother is so stupid, he took Viagra so he could join Up With People.
Take the mystery out of driving....use your turn signal.
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
In poker, a good deal depends on a good deal.
A golf course is a site to be holed.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Love is complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I'm not a complete idiot - parts of me are missing.
Don't worry about what people think of you, they don't do it very often.
Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.
Visa is everywhere you want to be...except out of debt.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.
One woman's hobby may be another woman's hubby.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
It's scary when, in the morning, you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
My wife says my lovemaking is like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.
Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
When I was young we used to go skinny dipping. Nowadays I just chunky dunk.
You say you want oral sex? Sure. Go home and phone me.
There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.
I must be getting old. About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
I was living life in the fast lane...then I married a speed bump.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
Remember it's "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
It's hard to be fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both.
I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat 'til the wrinkles fill out.
I may be getting older, but I've still got it. But lately, nobody wants to see it.
I respect the truth too much to drag it out on every occasion.
Why are they called tamp-ons and not tamp-ins?
If men are so competent, how come you always see signs reading DANGER - MEN WORKING ?
Today's program is brought to you by Oil of Olay, the favorite oil of Spanish bull fighters.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty are "XL".
Show me Miss Piggy's laundry and I'll show you a lot of hogwash.
My uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service.
I've got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Men don't know the meaning of fear. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F
Those small bumps around a womans' nipples is Braille for "suck here".
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
She's so fat, she'd have to lose 40 pounds just to go skinny dipping.
The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.
You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll? I think it was called 'Rumpled Foreskin'
Seek and you shall be disappointed.
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
I'm not saying she's fat, but when I pulled her pants down to her knees, her ass was still in them
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.
When I die, bury me on my stomach and let the world kiss my ass.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
I'm not saying that I'm losing my sex drive, but at my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
I have a lot of issues with sex... mostly Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.
Bad breath is better than no breath at all.
Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Marriage is a mutual relationship as long as both parties know when to be mute.
Guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Nothing written in fine print is ever good news.
I'm so horny, I get aroused when I squeeze into a tight parking place.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
Abandoning my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on How To?
Some do Jenny Craig, Some do Richard Simmons, I do Sara Lee.
I've reached the age where "happy hour" is a nap.
Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends?
So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need is a partner.
I may be a bitch, but I am the pick of the litter.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
I bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only 8 minutes.
If having sex is like riding a bike, I must own a uni-cycle.
Even on the most exalted throne, you are still sitting on nothing but your ass.
It's easy to find "Orgasm" in the dictionary. It's between Foreplay and Snoring.
You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
I don't know how to fry toilet paper, but I can brown it on one side.
I'd be rich if I could invent a pop-top beer can that wives can't hear open.
Some folks are so eager to find fault, you'd think there's a reward.
I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
I like my sex the way I like basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
I'm such a terrible lover, I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.
Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.
It's good to question authority, but not mine.
Age is just a number and mine is un-listed.
If there was a 'Bi-Sexual Pride' parade, would it go both ways?
Smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Some people are discovered, others are found out.
May the dragon of life only roast your hot-dogs and never burn your buns.
I either want less corruption or more chances to participate in it.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, beat it at kickboxing.
The old make the rules. The young make up the exceptions.
If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed... Oh, wait... he does!
Therapy is expensive, bubble wrap is cheap...you choose.
To err is human, to forgive is highly unlikely.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
Women and tax forms have a lot in common. Men love to cheat on them.
Women are like Angels...always up in the air and harping about something.
There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity.
Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.
They say that alcohol kills slowly... So what? Who's in a hurry?
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet...he said "postage dew".
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
I saw a woman with the word 'Guess' on her t-shirt, I said, "implants?"
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
I wish my mouth had a backspace key.
Golf has more rules than any other game because golf has more cheaters than any other game.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.
The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and women lay better.
Health nuts are going to feel real stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Love your enemies...just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
If stupidity got me into this mess, then why can't it get me out?
Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
When they say "instant credit" don't they actually mean "instant debt"?
I'm not completely useless. At the least I can set a bad example.
I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
Sometimes I just can't prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind.
I work for a living, I don't live for working.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.
Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.
Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead.
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, while others only gargle.
If you need a helping hand, look at the end of your arm.
I invented a substance that can eat through anything, but I can't find a place to store it.
Some people's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per person.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.
When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers.
People with dogs are too cowardly to bite for themselves.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
People don't waste time. They just spend it on things they don't need.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.
When I was a kid, I fell into an upholstery machine...now I'm fully recovered.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
At my age, I've begun to regret the sins I did not commit.
When my wife saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
I had a girlfriend with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
Divorce is like Espresso, expensive and bitter.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
I am not honking because I love Jesus - I'm honking 'cause you can't drive
I either want less corruption, or a chance to participate.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.
For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia.
I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others bring happiness whenever they go.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage
Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies.
A walrus is like Tupperware...they both like a tight seal.
I'm not saying she's a tramp, but her idea of safe sex is to lock the car doors.
The wise man puts all his eggs in one basket and watches the basket.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter.
My marriage turned out to be a rest period between romances.
Can an orphan eat at a family restaurant ?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I told my wife that I'd like some variety in my sex life. She told me to use my other hand.
My wife signed me up for a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I may not be totally perfect, but some parts are pretty good.
My wife wanted to renew our vows. I told her I don't want to make the same mistake twice.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.
Line dancing. See what happens when cousins breed?
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Our #1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything...but don't quote me.
It's not what you wear; it's how you take it off.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
The only problem with being best man at a wedding is you never get a chance to prove it!
Life is a shit sandwich and on bad days you get no bread.
I know I'm getting old... last year my insurance company sent me half a calendar.
Together we can lick pornography.
Love may not make the world go round, but it sure makes you dizzy.
Women are the kind of problem I don't mind wrestling with.
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.
Never argue with an idiot - folks might not be able to tell the difference.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
My wife not only fakes orgasms, she fakes cooking and housekeeping too.
I am not going bald... I'm getting more head.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Do unto others... then bill them for it.
I find that planning my future saves me from regretting my past.
I don't hate my ex-wife...I worship the quicksand she walks in.
My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Insanity is taking its toll. Please use exact change.
Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?
My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.
Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna really did have a first name.
Sex is not a answer. Sex is a question. Yes is the answer
My wife dresses to kill. Too bad she cooks the same way.
Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Some do Jenny Craig, Some do Richard Simmons...I do Sara Lee
I don't get even, I get older.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
I'm not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.
Do deaf gynecologists read lips?
I hate cooking so much, I don't even butter my bread.
I have a devoted wife who lets me give it to her both ways...cash or credit.
My wife came home one day and said, "Look honey, I lost 15 pounds." I said, "If you look behind you, you'll find it."
A lie has no legs to stand on, but it gets places.
Some people just don't know how to drive: I call these people, "everybody but me"
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Do women's breasts really swell in the summertime, or is it just me?
We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
I don't care if my wife leaves me...just so long as she leaves me enough.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Experience: what you get when you don't get what you want.
How much Healthy Choice Ice Cream can I eat before its no longer a healthy choice?
False hope is better than no hope at all.
Everybody is ignorant, just on different subjects.
Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the blame.
I love to give homemade gifts...which one of the kids would you like?
My hometown is so tough, gun shops have "Back to School" sales.
Did you ever notice that there are more horses' asses in the world than there are horses.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?
If life hands you lemons... stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
I am at one with my duality.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
The average person thinks he isn't.
Never mistake motion for action.
Never argue with your wife. Just dicker.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Birthdays only come once a year. Aren't you glad you're not a birthday?
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
To be successful at fishing, you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
My wife told me that I have a VCR: Very Cute Rear
Sometimes I think that this world is another planet's Hell.
Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
To err is human. To forgive is highly unlikely.
If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat minor.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I love eating GRITS...Girls Raised In The South
If you laid every woman of earth end to end... you'd probably have a really sore penis.
If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing, would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?
Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege... only a married person can get divorced.
I always thought music was more important than sex. Then I thought, "if I don't hear a concert for a year, it doesn't bother me".
Right now in Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots.
My pregnant girlfriend reminds me of a burned cake. I wish I had removed it a minute earlier.
I only take a half of a Viagra pill. It's just enough so that I don't piss on my shoes.
I don't give a shit, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
I wonder what God was thinking when he came up with the idea of pubic hair.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Remember the times when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been grounded.
You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba The Hut?
Always do the right thing. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.
I Have a degree in Liberal Arts. Do you want fries with that?
Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
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