Insults And Put-Downs
I didn't say you were a tramp. I said you were whoreable.
You seem to be very well educated on the stuff you made up.
I think, therefore I am... not as dumb as you.
If you were an only child you still wouldn't be your parents' favorite.
Isn't there a nice, quiet place where you could go fuck yourself?
The only way you'll ever get pussy juice to run down your face is to start crying.
Why do you play hard to get when you're really hard to want?
The only way you could get a beautiful woman on your arm is to get a tattoo.
Your room looks like you're losing a game of Jumanji.
I'm in the mood for some horror. Tell me about yourself.
Take care of your eyes. They're the only balls you have.
I drive a Jeep. If I wanted a Hummer I'd call your sister.
The only way you could have a perfect body is if you stuffed one into your trunk.
Just because I don't attack doesn't mean I won't defend.
Once upon a time, fuck you. The end.
Where is your hug? Over there by the deodorant!
I'm not saying she's a tramp, but her bedroom has a guest list.
Aging gracefully is just another way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
You're like Monday mornings. Nobody likes you.
Your coffee must look at you in the morning and say, "Sorry, I don't do miracles."
You're like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
Shock me, say something intelligent.
You don't like me? Ouch! You hit me right where I don't give a damn.
When you're around I have to wear slip resistant shoes. I'm not falling for your bullshit again.
I wear bigger heals than your dick.
Deja Ho. The feeling I've met you before.
You're not speaking to me anymore? Really? Promise?
After talking to you I feel like I have mood poisoning.
You don't need beauty sleep. You need a full-blown hibernation.
Thanks for your two cents, but I'll give you a quarter to shut the fuck up.
I actually gave a shit earlier. You missed it.
Your legs are like McDonald's. Open 24/7.
You must have mistaken me for someone who values your criticism.
I love to shop, but I'm not buying your bullshit.
Bi and large... is the way that I would describe you.
I typed "ass-hole" into my GPS and ended up at your house.
Your life coach called. You didn't make the team.
I see someone has pulled your cranky pants up to your armpits.
Here's a tip on how to speak to me: Please don't.
When I see your face, the only thing I would change is the direction I'm walking in.
I can't believe what you say because I see what you do.
I must have lost your number when I hit Delete.
Try hiding your bad breath by holding up your arms.
If hard work is the key to success, you'd probably pick the lock.
You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.
If respect is earned, you must be bankrupt.
If there was a line between right and wrong, you snorted it years ago.
Have you hugged an idiot today? Me neither. Come here.
Rule number one: Never treat me like number two.
When you feel worthless, just remember that once you were the fastest sperm.
If I got paid by the number of stupid people I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.
Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn.
Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.
I like your approach. Now let's see your departure.
Sorry my joke offended you. I really didn't think you'd get it.
You know what your problem is? You don't know you are the problem.
Long story short, you're an ass-hole.
Here's a free, eight pound bag of Go Fuck Yourself.
On a scale of 1 to 10, you're a no.
Hello, short bus? I found your missing passenger.
I'll never forget the first time we met, but I'll keep trying.
Do the world a favor. Don't breed.
I think the light bulb above your head needs to be changed.
When I get disrespected, I get disrespectful.
To all the ladies celebrating a birthday today: You're not old as long as your face and your boobs are in the same picture.
The day you came into my life is the day I decided that you need to stop doing that.
Your brain needs a software update.
Of course we're not strangers. I'm saving that for later.
I didn't call you a sex machine. I said you are a fucking tool.
Sorry. I know I said hello, but I really didn't want any further conversation.
Imagine how silent you'd be if you only talked about things you know.
Take a deep breath... somewhere else.
I can't believe they let your parents make a baby and I have to get a licence to fish.
I doubt if your obituary will contain the word "untimely."
Sometimes I wonder if you're the secret ingredient for a bad day.
You have the right to remain stupid. Anything you say can and will be ignored.
I like you the way I like my tea. In a bag, under water.
For Halloween, try going as a mentally stable person. No one will know it's you.
She'll blow you like her last welfare check.
I would call you a cunt, but you lack both warmth and depth.
You're so ugly that when you look in the mirror, your reflection looks away.
Here's how to find out your idiot name. Combine your first name with whatever your last name is.
Home is where them fuckers ain't.
Knowing you is like being in a never ending escape room.
If I give you a straw, will you go suck the fun out of someone else's day?
I wish you'd meet some new people, like maybe a paramedic.
Of all the ways I can tell you to fuck off, silence is my favorite.
Bitches be trippin'... Okay, maybe I pushed one.
Your brain is way too small for you to have such a big mouth.
I see your silent treatment and raise you a fuck off.
I don't hate you. I just want to touch your face with a shovel... really hard.
You're great for my workout. Last week I spend 2000 calories avoiding you at Walmart.
I don't know what your father did for a living, but I do know that he was a tool maker.
You don't like me? Well, grab a chair and wait for me to care.
Maybe if you took up bowling you'd learn to stay in your own lane.
How many psychiatric disorders do you have named after you?
At least now you can cross off dying young from your list of things to worry about.
Keep it up and you'll be a strange smell in my attic.
I think you're confusing freedom of speech with saying stupid shit.
Sorry, I must have missed the bus to Givafukistan.
You should try some essential oils... like chloroform.
The only thing I need from you is distance... and plenty of it.
I never said you were full of shit. I said you were cunstipated.
I often put your name on my resumes so potential employers know I can deal with idiots.
Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not acceptable for me to point that out?
Your nickname must be "foreskin". You disappear when things get hard.
If nothing else, you can teach people what not to be.
My heart has no room for you, but the trunk of my car definitely does.
Look closely and you'll see the "fuck you" in my smile.
You've got the brain of a four year old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today.
I won't be quiet so you can be comfortable.
Fun fact: I don't care.
There is no such thing as re-trusting someone.
The moment you think I'm stupid, I've already outsmarted you.
Sorry. My people pleasing era has come to an end.
You must be gifted. Surely no one would have paid for you.
The difference between you and Superman is: He has super vision. You need supervision.
I could tell you to eat shit, but that would be cannibalism.
Your mere presence brightens up a room... in the same way a dumpster fire brightens an alley.
The only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, your lack of talent and your general personality.
You're so fake, China would deny they made you.
Are you having a bad hair day or did you join The Muppets?
According to my calendar, I'm not going to give a shit tomorrow either.
I'd kill you with kindness, but all I have is this axe.
Take the day off from being the bigger person. Go out and be the ass hole you really are!
I must not have had enough to drink. You're still ugly.
If you ever need nothing, I'm here for you.
Hold still. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I had a wet dream about you last night. I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff.
Are you sure your parents aren't cousins?
If the "poor me" card is all you ever play, do us a favor and reshuffle the deck.
The truth doesn't give a fuck what your opinion is.
If confusion had a face, it would look a lot like you.
In your absence, I truly discovered the sound of peace.
You seem to think that women are just machines that you put kindness coins into until sex falls out.
When I say "Have a nice day," remember that the "fucker" is silent.
You say you found a nickel in your underwear? I told you that you were a lousy stripper.
My dog is a cross between a wiener dog and a pit bull. It's a wiener-pit, just like your mouth.
A local chicken farmer is hiring staff. I told him about your experience in handling small cocks. You start Monday.
I think your brain has logged out due to inactivity.
I'm fat because every time I fuck your mom she makes me a sandwich.
If I told you to go fuck yourself, would you need directions?
It's too bad you weren't born in the dark ages. You look terrible in the light.
You say you're real. So real shady, real needy, real fake? I need specifics.
You say men are lining up at your door. Do they want their money back?
Did your father mate with a flowerpot, because you're a blooming idiot!
You say you started seeing someone. As in dating or hallucinations?
You were cut from a cloth that I wouldn't wash my ass with.
You'll never settle down. You suffer from Multiple Whoreosis.
I'm not saying she's a tramp, but she's dropped more boxers than Muhammad Ali.
Words can't describe how beautiful you are, but numbers can. I'd say you're about a three out of ten.
You say your girlfriend takes you breath away. Is that because she's inflatable?
Her mother should have named her 12, because she dozen cook, dozen clean, dozen do anything.
Did you hear a zipper? Then why did you open your mouth?
If no one has told you that you're beautiful today, it won't start here.
You should call your private part "lottery ticket", since you're always scratching it.
It's a good thing you're funny, because being attractive isn't exactly an option for you.
There are 6,600 languages in the world, and you wanna talk shit.
In loving memory of when I gave a shit.
The only time you get asked for sex is on an application form.
You're the total package... that got ruined during shipping and handling.
Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels because they're harmful to your health, yet you're allowed to walk around freely.
The reason you talk about me is because when you talk about yourself, no one listens.
I've never had a problem that you couldn't make worse.
Just because leggings stretch, doesn't mean your 300 pound ass should be in them.
You're so dumb, you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If God created you, he has a serious quality control problem.
Is that a tan or have you been rolling in Doritos?
Stop being an asshole. There, now I'm your life coach.
Home is wherever you're not.
Behold my field of fucks, and see that it is barren.
Shutting the fuck up is gluten free, so add that to your diet.
I am so glad you're not a twin.
Since your butt looks like two raccoons fighting in a sack of corn, just say no to Spandex.
The jerk store called. They need another order of you.
It's not PMS. I just don't like you.
I'm not saying she's a ho, but she's kinkier than a dollar store garden hose.
You must've fallen from Heaven, 'cause it looks like you landed on your face.
Sorry. No habla fucktardo.
There are two sides to every story, and you're an ass hole in both of them.
You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?
You're so ugly, your portraits hang themselves.
You're fat. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it because you might eat that too.
Roses are red, violets are blue. God made me pretty. What happened to you?
She's so dumb, she can't figure out why she hasn't pooped out the ice cube she swallowed yesterday.
When I said, "Shove it up your ass," I meant it as an insult, not a pick-up line.
I'm sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
You're going to be in big trouble if your co-workers ever find out you don't really have Tourette's.
Well dip me in cheese and call me chip, 'cause I am nacho bitch.
I'll bet your baby toe gets banged more than you do.
It's so hot out, I almost called you so I could be around something shady.
Am I the only one who's running out of people I like?
I never respond to shade coming from trees that bear no fruit.
If the food you eat affects your sex life, I wish you'd stop eating minute rice.
Your clothes must have missed you. They're hugging you really tight.
Let's play airplane. Now take the fuck off.
If you don't like me it's because I don't want you to.
If you're going to rattle my cage you better make sure I'm locked in it.
I don't know how to put this nicely, so I won't.
Even though my hands are already full, I can still carry a grudge against you.
I'd tell you to face your problems, but most of your problems are your face.
Out of all the lies I've told you, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Don't think of yourself as short. You're a People McNugget.
If you insult me again, I'll come over and slash the tires on your house.
Maybe the love of your life got stuck in a condom.
The nicest thing you could say to me is "Goodbye."
She's so dumb, she thought a medieval lamp was called a knight light.
I'd make fun of you, but I don't think you'd understand it.
Having a beard doesn't make you a man. Vaginas have hair too.
The more I get to know my co-workers, the better I understand why Noah only let animals on the ark.
I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.
You're too fake to be called a dick, so I'll just call you a dildo.
I didn't say you wake up at the crack of dawn. I said you wake up and do crack with Don.
You remind me of a plunger. Always bringing up old shit.
I'm not saying she's fat, but her birthstone is chocolate.
That chill pill you took this morning appears to have been a placebo.
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is you making eye contact with me.
You're so dumb, you thought a female astronaut was called a juggernaut.
You're like a human version of a headache.
I thought of you all day. I was at the zoo.
The difference between two dicks and a joke is you can't take a joke.
I'm not saying she's a ho, but she's been on more wieners than my last bottle of ketchup.
Your greatest accomplishment so far is you were a line leader in elementary school.
I'm not saying that she's a slut, but she's had more balls in her mouth than a Hungry Hippo.
I used to think you took my breath away, then I realized I was suffocated by your bullshit.
If lying were a job, you'd be a millionaire.
I Googled "Who cares about your petty-ass problems?" My name didn't appear on the list.
You have an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew.
You know, they make medication for the way you act.
Today is "National Slap An Idiot Day." You should have stayed home.
If you were a cookie you'd be a whoreo.
Do you have a pen? Well, you'd better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing.
I don't explain myself to idiots. I'm not the fuckface whisperer.
Kindness is my go-to, but fuck off is my wingman.
If only your teeth were as white as your legs.
You might be ugly, but at least you're honest.
Well now, isn't that something... that I don't care about.
Does your bum look big in those jeans? I don't know. Let me step back and get it all in.
If you'd like to borrow some chloroform, knock yourself out.
If you were betting on my downfall, you should ask for a refund.
I'd tell you to kiss my ass, but you'd probably fall in love and then I'd never get rid of you.
They call her "birthday cake" because everybody's had a piece.
I doesn't matter what people think of you. At least mosquitoes find you attractive.
The answer you're looking for is inside you, but it's wrong.
I'm sure you have a lot of hidden talents. The problem is, even you can't find them.
I know five fat people, and you're four of them.
You're so lucky. You can eat ice cream as fast as you want and never have to worry about brain freeze.
Life is full of little disappointments and I've just added you to my list.
Your problem is you have million dollar dreams with a minimum wage work ethic.
We call her "Happy Meal", because she always cums with a toy inside.
I hope life bites you in the ass. You have enough padding there to take the hit.
A dickhead like you would have to take Viagra as a nasal spray.
I never said you had ugly feet. I said you look like you could swoop down from the sky and snatch your dinner from a lake.
You're not 40. You're more like 2 twenties held together with mashed potatoes.
Since I let you into my life, several things have gone missing, like joy, peace and love.
You have something on your chin. No, the third one down.
You're the total package all right. You just arrived at the wrong address.
The next time you lose your mind, don't bother to look for it.
I'm sure that whatever you have to say can wait until you're smarter.
If someone every stole your identity they'd probably give it back the next day.
You seem to be very well educated about the stuff you just made up.
When you can be anything you want, an ass hole seems like an odd choice.
Your face looks like a kid drew a picture of you.
She used to be popular, until her therapist took all of her imaginary friends away.
If a thought ever entered your head, it would be a stranger there.
Is it just me, or have you had a lot of birthdays?
I wish you had a shock collar and I had the remote.
I'm not saying you curse a lot, but your swear jar could finance the space program.
You don't have to die to be dead to me. I have mental funerals on a daily basis.
That knife you stuck in my back will come in handy for cutting ties with you.
The only advantage you have over me is that you can kiss my ass and I can't.
Take care of your eyes. They're the only balls you have.
You know it's bad when you want to shove an asshole up another asshole's ass.
She's not a drinker, but she certainly likes a whine.
You say you're outdoorsy, but the only garden I've ever seen you in is a beer garden.
You've got more dick in your personality than you do in your pants.
Just because I loved you at one point doesn't mean I will always love you. I'm not Whitney Houston.
You're so skinny, you could get a job modeling thermometers.
Scientists have crossed a wiener dog with a pit bull. It's called a wiener pit, just like your mouth.
Don't let your food get cold worrying what's on my plate.
She's so dumb, she was disappointed that ribbed condoms don't taste like ribs.
I've got heals higher than your standards.
She's recovering from a recent accident. A thought struck her.
I guess those penis enlargement pills you're taking must be working. You're twice the dick you were yesterday.
The problem with you is you're breathing.
She's so dumb, she thought virginity was a Southern U.S. state.
Warning! I am not the bigger person.
Do you have a pen? If so, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you are missing.
You remind me of a no thanks.
Copy your bullshit and paste it somewhere else.
Your boobs must hate the cold. Each year they move further south.
Please don't make yourself at home. I've seen how you live.
In order to bring me down you have to be able to reach me.
You have a baby face and a brain to match.
A douche bag of your magnitude could cleanse a whale's vagina.
The only thing worse than a mind that never opens is a mouth that never shuts.
You remind me of London. Always in a fog.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my ass.
I'm not as sorry as you probably think I should be.
I'm not a psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you are about to say.
Your spirit animal is a fat raccoon trying to get into a dumpster.
Bitch, please move away from the sunlight. I hate the smell of burning plastic.
You could commit murder and still not be on the most wanted list.
If you ever entered a beauty contest, Miss Congeniality would slap you.
She's so dumb, she got kicked out of her coffee group for wearing a tea shirt.
Your singing voice could be improved by laryngitis.
She's so dumb, she wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus because she's allergic to dogs.
So, a thought crossed your mind? It must have been a long, lonely journey.
You're so skinny, if you put a pizza on your head you'd look like a beach umbrella.
Some people are like M&Ms. Memories and Mistakes.
In the first place, you're very fat. And in the second place too.
You're the reason God created amnesia.
She has so many gaps in her teeth, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
You must be standing backwards, because all I see is an ass hole.
When God made you, you must have been on the bottom of his "to-do" list.
Sarcasm falls out of my mouth like stupidity falls out of yours.
If I could go back to the day we met, I'd turn around and walk the other way.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, you'd come in 4th so you didn't have to walk up to the podium.
Of course I didn't take your advice. Eagles don't take flight lessons from chickens.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it's really doing the job.
You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
You're so annoying, you could make a Happy Meal cry.
Your birth certificate should come with a letter of apology.
Your face is fine, but you should put a bag over that personality.
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change... except the direction I was walking in.
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
If all the world's a stage, whoever cast you needs to be fired.
If I blocked you on Social Media, when you see me on the street, the block still applies.
The funny thing about growing older is your eyesight get weaker, yet you can see through people much better.
She's so ugly, she considers a wart a beauty mark.
Kissing ass is a class I didn't pass.
I'm trying to see the best in you, but you have it so well hidden.
If ugly were a crime, you'd get a life sentence.
She's been on the market so long she's about to go on clearance.
Would you look at me? I've got the hiccups.
Your face wouldn't just stop a clock, it would set it back two hours.
You're about as confused as a fart in a fan factory.
She has a face like the back of a boat, and she gave me a stern look.
She's about five pounds away from Google Maps listing her as a roundabout.
I didn't say you were stupid. I said you are stupid. There's no past tense about it.
The only reason I haven't unfriended you is because your drama keeps me entertained while I'm on the toilet.
You're so ugly, Frankenstein came to a Halloween party dressed as you.
You're a real treasure. Too bad somebody dug you up.
I thought I wanted you as a part of my life's story, but it turns out you were only a chapter.
You got carried away with your own looks, but not far enough.
He's so rich, his limousine has a finished basement.
People like you a lot when you first meet them, but then you talk them out of it.
Your lips are so big, your Chap-Stick has to be put on with a spray.
You don't need a personal trainer. You need someone to follow you around and slap the food out of your hands.
They call you "a free spirit" because it sounds better than "out of control wing-nut."
You're about as useless as the "g" in lasagna.
You're so fat, when the doctor examined you he said, "Open your mouth and say 'Moo.'"
You have an open mind, but it's closed for repairs.
In your case, brain surgery would only be a minor operation.
Your mind is like a defective parachute. It doesn't open when it should.
She's had more rogers than a policeman's radio.
Your breath is so bad, you need a breath mint with a battery.
If you want me to control my temper, you need to control your stupidity.
You're so old, you knew Madame Butterfly when she was a caterpillar.
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today. Then I realized it said, "Thick Cut."
You look like you need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.
She has so many wrinkles on her face, she has to screw her hat on.
If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.
Insults and Putdowns Page Two
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