Mr. One-Liner

She said she wanted a man that could take her breath away. So I farted and now she won't speak to me.

Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

2020 was still better than my first marriage.

Old age is when it takes you longer to get over a good time than to have it.

Some people call them ex-fiancees. I prefer near Mrs.

You can tell a lot about a woman just by the way she pours gasoline on your car.

I am not her sugar daddy. I'm her glucose guardian.

The first five Florists I called in the phone book knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly, I'm the idiot.

Apparently calling someone's kids, "Semen Demons" is not socially acceptable. Who knew?

I arrived at the Kleptomania Convention fifteen minutes early, but all of the seats had already been taken.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for six years and I had no idea he was a barber.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was normal, then it was Light, and now it's Zero.

I asked my wife, "How do I turn Alexa off?" She said, "Have you tried walking around naked?"

Have you ever noticed that the longer you stay at home, the more homeless you look?

A TV chef said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." I know he was talking about food, but I'm still taking it as a compliment.

I always see more people walking into Walmart than walking out of Walmart. But the meat is cheap, so I don't ask any questions.

My Grandfather invented the cold-air balloon. It never really took off.

I told her I have the body of a 19-year-old. She said, "Prove it." So I opened the freezer.

Did you hear about the new movie coming out starring Tom Cruise and Alec Baldwin? It's called "Prop Gun".

It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck, but now I can look back and laugh.

Do dentists call their x-rays tooth-pics?

Drinking light beer is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

I keep hearing a buzzing in my ears, but the doctor said it's just a bug that's going around.

You've been on the market so long, you should put yourself on clearance.

My friend with the stuttering problem just got sentenced to prison. I fear he may never finish his sentence.

After ten years as President of The Ladder Club, I've decided to step down.

I'm not always right, but when I am it's usually all the time.

I was walking barefoot on the beach and I stepped on a rusty piece from an old video game. Now I have to get a Tetris shot.

I wonder how much jail time I would get if I actually did unto others as they have done to me.

I once entered the world kleptomaniac contest. I took home the gold, silver and bronze.

My friend joined a cult that worships black holes. I'd hate to get sucked into something like that.

Sure, I can keep my mouth shut, but you can read the subtitles on my face.

The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.

My husband and I are doing a workshop. He works. I shop.

I gave the rest of my pastry to two pigeons. I filled two birds with one scone.

I'm cut from a different cloth, and they don't make this fabric anymore.

Anyone out there want a pair of broken binoculars? Look no further.

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle. I road on ruthlessly.

My patience is like a gift card. I'm not sure how much is left, but we can give it a try.

The first person to see an egg come out of a chicken's ass must have been really hungry.

Overestimating my knowledge is my real Hercules' heel.

I'm not saying I'm having a bad day, but I just tried to enter my bank PIN into the microwave.

I'm reading a fascinating book about the greatest basement ever. It was a best cellar.

I'm at the age where not finding parking for an event is enough to make me go home.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes: Large, small, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings...

You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.

It sucks being a grownup. Nobody tells you that you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

You say you're looking for a stud? I've got the std, now all I need is u.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I watched a documentary on marijuana last night. That's probably how I'll watch all documentaries from now on.

Me: "My girlfriend has her period all weekend." My friend: "Bummer." Me: "Great idea! I never thought of that!"

I'm not crazy. I prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug? She's having a baby in the spring.

My new stair lift is driving me up the wall.

Yesterday I enjoyed my first time ever bobbing up and down in the sea. It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

A cop left a note on my car to let me know that I had parked correctly. It said Parking Fine.

Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club. It was open Mike night.

I'm reading a book about school truancy by Marcus Absent.

Am I getting older, or is the supermarket finally playing great music?

McDonalds is now incorporating meat from endangered species into their burgers. I just had a quarter panda.

It's so hard to discipline the you out of your child.

Did you ever have one of those days where you wanted to put vodka in the humidifier?

As soon as they find out you're not stupid, all of a sudden you're "crazy."

Double negatives are a no-no in English.

I wanted to stop bacon from curling in the pan, so I took away their little brooms.

When your kids want to learn how to drive, don't stand in their way.

If a woman sleeps with ten men, she's a tramp. If a man does it, he's definitely gay.

Snow is the only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.

90% of women who wear yoga pants don't go to yoga. 100% of straight men don't care.

I told my wife that men are like fine wine, they get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

When your mom said, "Get a man that can cook," she didn't mean crack or meth.

My dog ate my pronouns. He she it everywhere.

This is a bit of a long shot, but does anyone know a sniper?

Let me drink about it and get back to you.

My half-brother and I aren't allowed to play with chain saws anymore.

Getting back together with your ex is like trying to warm up McDonalds in a microwave.

My wife is thinking about leaving me because of my obsession with poker. I think she's bluffing.

I put whiskey in my coffee because... It's Ireland somewhere.

I was attacked by a flock of sheep today. Luckily I was only grazed.

I've decided to stop seeking the approval of others. Is everyone okay with that?

You can swim with dolphins for free, but to swim with sharks will cost you an arm and a leg.

I went to a school for magicians, but I failed the final exam. They were all trick questions.

When I was a kid, gas station air was free, now it's $2. That's inflation for ya.

I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

Real girls are never perfect and perfect girls are never real.

I don't mean to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out.

A women's roofing expo will be held next weekend. All the shingle ladies will be there.

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was all alone in the bath when all of a sudden I felt a tap on the shoulder.

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.

I try to be nice to everyone because, what if they have a hot sister?

Let's have a "Who's better in bed" contest. I hope to be a sore loser.

If I'm reading their lips correctly, the neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I want to open a Two Dollar store for people who enjoy the finer things.

This morning's coffee was so strong it woke up some of my ancestors.

My friend said he wants to get a Star Wars character tattooed on his forehead. I can't wait to see the Luke on his face.

I don't always fart at Burger King, but when I do it's a whopper.

I need a wine that pairs well with difficult relatives.

I intend to eat more doughnuts. It's the original hole food.

I wasn't thrilled to learn that my wife is into bondage, but my hands are tied.

How am I supposed to learn to trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

My girlfriend poked me in the eye, so I stopped seeing her.

A hacker was so disappointed when he broke into my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page.

All I want is a two income household and to live alone.

My wife said I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right.

Did you hear about the wig shop that got robbed? They're going to replace all the locks.

My wife tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter.

Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. He said, "Why can't you just use a sponge like a normal dad?"

I asked my doctor how to cure water on the brain. He suggested a tap on the head.

I woke up this morning and my whole body had turned to corn. If anybody has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy. It's not like I did anything.

My doctor just told me I have an addiction to Viagra. My wife is taking it very hard.

I just heard that a large oil company is planning on making gasoline out of insect urine. I think it's BP.

I'm staying home today. I think I have mood poisoning.

If at first you don't succeed, it's only attempted murder.

My wife gets angry if I make breakfast puns. She said if I make one more, I'm toast.

If you're experiencing joint pain you're probably holding the lit end.

My sister just delivered a baby. I knew she had it in her.

There was a fire at Ikea today. We all assembled in the parking lot.

I keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet to remind me of why there's no money in there.

I just started a band called The Subtractions. Take it away boys!

I lost the volume control knob for my radio about a month ago. It hasn't turned up since.

Buy someone a plane ticket and they'll fly for the rest of the day. Push someone out of a plane and they'll fly for the rest of their lives.

My girlfriend complains that I don't smile anymore. She's the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Doctors say that there are eight million people in the world who are overweight. Of course, those are just round figures.

Did you hear about the boxing week sale at the pet store? Buy one dog, get one flea.

A man was seriously injured today after being run over by a reversing car. Police are urging the driver to come forward.

We were once so poor I had to use a calendar for toilet paper. Now those days are behind me.

I went to a restaurant run by cows. They don't allow tipping.

My first apartment only had four foot ceilings. I couldn't stand living there.

I needed my pants hemmed quickly, so I called Taylor Swift.

I accidentally filled my blowup doll with helium. Now she's playing hard to get.

I was eating in an outdoor cafe when it started raining. It took an hour and a half to finish my soup.

If I had sex as often as I get screwed, life would be awesome.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it incorrectly.

I refused to let the fact that I wear a colostomy bag deter me from taking up Karate. And now I have a brown belt.

Ladies, I want you to know that I'm fantastic in the sack. Just last week I won three races.

The closest I get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face.

When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word. "I'm sorry. You're right."

I once posed naked for a magazine. The shop keeper wasn't having any of it and told me I had to give him cash like everyone else.

I was terrible at spelling when I was in school. I was great at jografy though.

The inventor of the wind chill factor died today. He was 84, but he felt like he was 62.

The best Christmas present you can buy someone is a broken drum. Nobody can beat that.

Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.

Tampex has announced that they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing it with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against chairs, tables and walls.

I just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after being hit in the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

I haven't been laid in so long, I think my virginity is growing back.

Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's smallest bed sheet. More on this story as it unfolds.

How long should you date someone before you meet their spouse?

Note to all premature Christmas decorators: Calm down. Mary hasn't even told Joseph that she's pregnant yet.

I took a taxi to the laundromat. I felt like I'd been taken to the cleaners.

Have you ever noticed how well your morning coffee pairs with silence?

My doctor told me I'm going deaf. That news was hard to hear.

I just entered a "Tightest Hat" contest. I just hope I can pull it off.

The other night I paused a film to make a cup of tea. Now I've lost my job at the cinema.

I ordered a vault and a speaker online. They arrived safe and sound.

The midget at the urinal beside me kept winking. I said, "Dude, I'm not gay." He said, "I'm not either, but you keep splashing me in my eye."

I once entered the world kleptomaniac championship. I took the gold, the silver and the bronze.

I had hip surgery, but the hospital won't let me keep the bone as a souvenir. They've got joint custody.

I had sex for an hour and forty seconds last week, thanks to Daylight Savings Time.

I think it's wrong that only one company is allowed make Monopoly.

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?

Sometimes I'll read a text and think, "What a psycho." Then I hit send.

The leading cause of dry skin is towels.

My friend just made a video of his wife coloring her hair. He's going to show me the highlights later.

I don't have the faintest idea why I passed out.

Last month my wife bought a Sylvester Stallone pillow and put it in the middle of the bed. Since then, things have been Rocky between us.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I'm looking to buy an old lighthouse. Nothing flashy.

I caught my neighbor stealing socks off of my clothesline. I was going to confront him, but then I got cold feet.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Whatever you do, do not read it.

Be careful what you hear about somebody. You might be hearing it from the problem.

Never cry while you are playing tennis. You could be charged with racket tearing.

Don't forget to drink water and get some sun. We're all just basically a house plant with complicated emotions.

I got a book titled "A Guide To Surgical Procedures". I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

Airport security are cracking down on people who smuggle helium balloons in their luggage, but cases continue to rise.

I got home to find out that my kids had been on eBay all day. If they're still there tomorrow I'll lower the price.

I've written a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There's a lovely key change at the end.

My son was very upset that he came in last in a karate competition. He was kicking himself.

I used to be married, but I'm better now.

Instead of "single" as a status, I prefer "Independently Owned And Operated."

I saw an old man at the supermarket, collecting shopping carts. He must have been pushing seventy.

When I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it with a cold beer. It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

Solar power is the future, but it won't happen overnight.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Knock knock. Who's there? Grandma. Wait! Stop the funeral!

I'm starting a new business recycling discarded chewing gum. I just need some help getting it off the ground.

Vaping is weird. You walk by a group of guys that look like gangsters but smell like strawberry muffins.

Have you ever noticed that there is never a line for the bathroom at a water park?

My doctor told me to stop eating chocolate, so it's going to be a big change for me. I've been with that doctor for over twenty years.

I dropped a really big crumb on my laptop keyboard. It turned out to be nothing to worry about. It's under Ctrl.

I just heard that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police do not have a lead.

My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in for an x-ray. I don't know what she saw in him.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my wife's hair. It's a nice way to let her know we're out of napkins.

My wife asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?" I said, "Don't be silly. It would take us ages to get there."

I'm returning this tape to the store. It doesn't taste like scotch at all.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning. I must have been sleep wokking again.

The improper fraction help desk is now open 24/7.

Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces.

When people are sad, I let them color my tattoos. Sometimes all you need is a shoulder to crayon.

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. I must have a chess infection.

I don't want to party like it's 1999, I want to go shopping like it's 1999.

If you think that seven years of bad luck is too much for breaking a mirror, try breaking a condom.

When someone gets angry because you said "no," that doesn't mean you should have said "yes."

Divorce: The end of an error.

I've never understood why I didn't consider cottage cheese to really be "cheese". But, it's just a curd to me.

The only difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

Age is not a number. It's a word.

Please don't knock on my door and talk about God. I don't knock on your door to talk about vibrators and alcohol, do I?

My wife told me to put on a clean pair of socks every day. By Friday I couldn't get my shoes on.

I bring too much to the table to be treated like a napkin.

I tried calling the tinnitus help line. No answer. It just kept ringing.

I'm not sure I like my new blender. I keep getting mixed results.

My mom said, "Follow your dreams," so I went back to bed.

Kids are like boats. They go in the right direction when paddled from the rear.

I just ordered a licence plate number BAA BAA. That should look cool on my black Jeep.

When you're a kid, you don't realize you're watching your parents grow up.

A retired husband is a wife's full-time job.

I got trapped in a snow globe factory overnight. I'm okay, just a little shaken.

Today my son asked me how I knew that everyone driving is named Dick.

Out of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

I'm going to start a vibrator repair service and call it Inspect Her Gadget.

I went to a seance last night. I don't know what possessed me.

Boomerangs and attention deficit disorder do not mix.

Why does the radio stop to tell you that they play non-stop music?

I want buns of steel, but I also want buns of cinnamon.

Did you hear that NASA is about to launch a new mission to say sorry to aliens for Earth polluting space? It's called Apollo G.

One day I was born. Then everything bothered me. And that brings us up to date.

My penis stopped breathing. CPR anyone?

My dog can find anything. He's a LabraGoogle.

If they grew Doritos on a farm it would be a pretty cool ranch.

Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise party.

My friend asked, "Do you know where I can get a toupee?" I said, "Not off the top of my head."

Take a look around. All that clutter used to be money.

I tell Dad Jokes, but I don't have any kids. That makes me a Faux Pa.

Insurance companies are warning campers, if your tent is stolen during the night, you won't be covered.

Why do we call them olives and not Greece's Pieces?

I just got my first date of the year lined up. It's a court date, but hey, it's a date and I'm dressing up.

If you could read my mind, you'd probably need a shower and a cigarette.

I just sold a lawn mower on Graigslist. That's the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning.

I didn't say I had sex daily, I said I have dyslexia.

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

I found a jar of anti-aging cream that I bought ten years ago. It doesn't look any different.

If there was a pill to cure procrastination I would probably take it tomorrow.

I'm not feeling myself today. Can I feel you?

My room mates are convinced that our house is haunted. I've lived there for 274 years and I haven't noticed anything strange.

I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

I saw a Facebook post that said, "Lonely man seeks wife." He got 250 replies saying, "You can have mine."

Head lice is now resistant to the usual medical treatments. The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

I'm not short. I'm just more down to earth than most people.

Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.

I lost my virginity to a celebrity. The other guests at the wax museum weren't too impressed.

I think I had a Russian Uber driver last night. His name was Pikup Andropov.

I tried to warn my friend about the dangers of Russian Roulette, but I think it went in one ear and out the other.

Last night I met a girl that raises bees. I think she's a keeper.

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money.

I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed the entrance exam.

I offered my elderly neighbor $20 for a ride on her stair lift. I think she's going to take me up on it.

People who make coupons have their work cut out.

I always check to make sure our garage door is locked at night. I don't want someone stealing the stuff we've been trying to get rid of for years.

I want the job where they push scared skydivers out of planes.

Sometimes I find a random screw lying around the house and just assume it's from my life falling apart.

If you're afraid of not getting what you want from online shopping, try online dating.

My resume is just a list of things I never want to do again.

If I got rid of everything that didn't spark joy in my life, I'd be on the side of the road holding my dog and a coffee maker.

I don't know how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how do you not hear the music?

My new trainer asked me what kind of squats I usually do. I said, "diddly."

I am not a sex addict! I have restless groin syndrome.

If size doesn't matter, why are there no three inch dildos?

I didn't walk away to teach people a lesson. I walked away because I learned mine.

I got offered a job at an ice cream factory, but I turned it down. I don't work on sundaes.

Have you ever noticed that there is enough asphalt to build speed bumps, but not enough to fill pot holes?

I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

Whoever said that money can't buy happiness never paid for a divorce.

The worst part about ordering duck in a restaurant is the bill.

I'd like to give a shout out to all librarians! Oh, sorry.

Last week a runner was shot with a starter pistol. Police say it was race related.

For our anniversary this year my wife said, "Let's try Greece." I said, "Okay, but I don't see what's wrong with Vaseline."

Someone once told me to go for broke. I'm happy to report that I've succeeded.

Yesterday I fell off of a 50 foot ladder. Thank goodness I was only on the first step.

I drink a lot of coffee at work so I can be hype-aware of how little I'm going to get done today.

A local farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators. Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

Do you find it awkward when a nurse is examining your testicles and she asks you to stop running your fingers through her hair?

I'm trying to find myself, so if I get back before I return, keep me here.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

The trouble with living alone is it's always my turn to do the dishes.

I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.

Never make your wife angry. She's been getting blood stains out of clothing for years.

I'm looking for a moisturizer that hides the fact that I've been tired since 2010.

Someone has been stealing shirts from a local Wal-Mart in order of size. Apparently he's still at large.

I'm holding a cup of coffee. So yeah, I'm pretty busy.

Balloons are so weird. "Happy Birthday. Here's a plastic sack of my breath."

I'll do algebra. I'll do trig. I'll even do statistics. But graphics is where I draw the line.

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician. You'll never hear the end of it.

What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.

My math teacher called me average, which I think is mean.

You don't realize how many people you don't like until you have to name a baby.

My wife and I make a perfect pair. I'm a hypochondriac and she's a pill.

I'm starting to think the clutch is gone in my butt, 'cause I can't seem to get my ass in gear.

I can't go out with you. It's against my religion to date other species.

Since I had my neck-brace fitted I've never looked back.

Anyone who says I can't cook obviously hasn't tasted my cereal.

I like to get out of the house once in awhile just to remind myself why I don't like to go out of the house.

I just started watching women's volleyball and already there's been an wrist injury. Hopefully I'm okay by tomorrow.

I'm not saying that I drink too much coffee, but I think my body will keep moving for 48 hours after my death.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

Letting go of a loved one can be hard, but sometimes it's the only way to survive a rock climbing accident.

I fell asleep at a party last night and some jerk put a tea bag in my mouth. I am so angry. Nobody treats me like a mug!

Tomorrow is National Orgasm Day. Are you coming?

We've reached the age where we can't function without out glasses. Especially if they're empty.

You're so hot, even my pants are falling for you.

Someone told me I look good with a salt 'n' pepper beard. I took that as a condiment.

My phone just filmed a three hour documentary about the inside of my pocket.

Where can I find a microwave that doesn't beep so loud it lets my whole family know I'm eating again?

My backup plan is my original plan, but with more alcohol.

I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older. Younger.

I have removed all of the bad food from my house. It was delicious.

Our local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he decided to stick it out one more year.

Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop.

I arrived early at a restaurant last night. The manager said, "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I said, "Not at all." He said, "Great, take these drinks to table nine."

Never trust anyone who can spell gonorrhea correctly on the first try.

I'm proud to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have a bucket.

I'm finally old enough to do whatever I want to do, but I'm too tired to actually do it.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathrooms at Taco Bell.

If I ever win the lottery, no one around me will be poor. I'll move to a rich neighborhood.

She left a note on the refrigerator saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye." I opened it and it works just fine.

I checked my account balance at an ATM. It printed out a coupon for Kraft Dinner.

If a woman says her nipples are pierced, the correct response is, "I don't believe you."

I was once a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born.

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned nineteen. His name was Constant Teen.

I just got a bill in the mail that said "Final Notice". Good. I'm glad that's over.

I failed my audition as Romeo due to a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."

They said a banana a day cleans your colon. Then I found out you're supposed to eat them.

I never donate money to anyone collecting for a marathon. They just take your money and run.

I just found twenty dollars in the pocket of an old pair of jeans. I wonder what else is in this guy's locker?

I told a joke during a ZOOM meeting and nobody laughed. It turns out I'm not remotely funny.

I don't think I'll ever settle down. I suffer from Multiple Whoreosis.

I'm so broke, I haven't had gas money since the last time I farted in my wallet.

Why do they calling "mooning" when you're actually showing Uranus?

My sister bet me $1,000,000 that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with birdseed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.

The last time someone opened a car door for me was when I was arrested.

People call me skeptical. I'm not sure I believe that.

There's a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.

I chose the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?

My wife got upset because she thinks I don't like her cooking. So to prove her wrong, I had another slice of gravy.

She said, "Let's make the first time magical!" So, I boffed her and then disappeared.

I wonder if the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse even know about Taco Bell's $4.99 deal.

Have you even noticed how many towns are named after their water tower?

My goal was to lose ten pounds this year. Only fifteen to go.

I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn. He just didn't cut it.

I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

I don't treat people badly, I treat them accordingly.

If you dress like a cowboy, are you ranch dressing?

I think the me that buys the groceries and the me that has to cook are two entirely different people.

My wife kept going on and on about what she should use the empty drawer for. I finally told her to put a sock in it.

I took a taxi to the laundrymat today and it cost me $30! Boy, did I get taken to the cleaners.

Forget about pickleball. There's a new game called silent tennis. It's like regular tennis but without the racquet.

You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.

I don't walk away to teach people a lesson. I walk away because I finally learned mine.

I've just been offered eight legs of venison for $20. Is that two deer?

What do you call someone who pretends to be from Sweden? An artificial Swedener.

My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

Just in time for Easter, Wal-Mart is giving away free turkeys to anyone who can outrun security.

I went to a seafood disco last night and ended up pulling a mussel.

If you're going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.

I spend a great deal of my life realizing that I should have shut-up ten minutes ago.

It's hard being a drunk teenager when you're in your forties.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit that his wife is wrong.

You can tell that a man masturbates a lot by his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

I decided to take up fencing. The neighbor insists I put it back.

I don't have a dream job because I don't dream about working.

Yesterday I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter." He said, "I'm sorry. I don't follow you."

With my luck, I'd be running from the police and my Sketchers would light up.

Here's a question for all you mind readers out there:

I can never figure out how to change the clock in my car, so I bought another one and drive them for six months each.

I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell me to do.

You know you're getting old when it feels like the morning after, but there was no night before.

My first objective when I get home is to change into something that makes me look like I'm homeless.

I don't bottle my feelings. The pharmacy does.

Looking back, I really hurt my neck.

Today I met a man who reminded me of my Dad. He came up to me and said, "Don't forget about your Dad."

Two of my favorite things are The Bee Gees and Chinese cooking. You can tell by the way I use my wok.

Looking 50 is great... if you're 60.

Some little brat at Home Depot called me an old fart. So, if you're missing your kid, he's in the red LG dryer... aisle 17.

If any of you know how to fix broken hinges, my door is always open.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison. But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

I went on a date last night with a girl that works at the zoo. It went great. I think she's a keeper.

The difference between humans and animals is that animals would never let the dumbest ones lead the pack.

My co-worker swears she didn't steal the battery out of my calculator, but something just doesn't add up.

I called my boss and asked if I could sleep in a little this morning. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.

I suppose I'm in the minority, but I always lick the knife when I'm done. None of the other surgeons seem to do that.

City officials are planning the burial of the world's fattest man, which is a massive undertaking.

And for my next trick, I will dazzle you with the illusion that I have my shit together.

Yesterday my boss gave me a bad performance review, so I put a lipstick in his laptop bag. He hasn't come to work today.

A million dollars worth of sex toys were stolen from a warehouse last night. Police say the suspects are sitting on the evidence and they are unlikely to come quietly.

Beware of a new scam going around on Amazon. I ordered expensive jewelry for my wife, but motorcycle parts showed up instead. Fortunately they fit my bike.

Why is it when I press "One" for English, I still can't understand the person on the other end?

I get the urge to tell you to shut-up even when you're not talking.

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a box of Kleenex, but my doctor says it's just tissue damage.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by the way a dog reacts to him. For example, if a Police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous, and destroy lives. And yet women are allowed to roam about freely!

The trouble with dancing naked is not everything stops when the music does.

I thought my wife hung a picture of an old man in the bathroom. Turns out it's a mirror.

Isn't it weird that you have to show your driver's licence to buy stuff that impairs your ability to drive?

Did you know that a candle's flame smells like burnt nose hair?

I meant to behave, but there were too many options.

I invested all of my money in a perfume factory. My financial advisor warned me not to, but I think it makes scents.

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I wonder what she's up to now.

I decided to take up fencing. The neighbor insists I put it back.

I once threw a ball for my dog. I know it was a bit extravagant, but he looked great in a dinner jacket.

Don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Behind every man who thinks he wears the pants, is a wife who told him which pants to wear.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want kids. But when I got home from the operation, they were still there.

From a procrastination standpoint, today has been very successful.

Some alligators can grow up to fifteen feet, but most only have four.

I've decided to stop being self-aware. What I do is none of my business.

Nine times out of ten, if I lose something it's because I put it in a safe place.

My wife said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace." So, I bought her nothing.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and try to guess what's on them while I'm at the grocery store.

I hate when people can't let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.

I am currently experiencing life at several WTFs per hour.

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver.

I did my very first nude painting yesterday. The neighbors weren't happy, but the front door looks great!

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work.

I really dislike the taste of salad. It's a problem that needs addressing.

I told my wife I wanted to die while having sex. She said, "Well, at least it will be quick."

My doctor gave me some anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.

I moved into a bungalow recently. I was going to move into a house, but that's another storey.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure the kids took it.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food and drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him. After that we never played Monopoly again.

A local dentist is having a half price sale on teeth cleaning next week. It's Plaque Friday.

French Roasted Coffee just means that someone stirred the beans with their tongue.

I'm not saying I'm old, but my dinner time and my bed time are getting dangerously close to each other.

Today, my penis was in the Guinness Book Of World Records. Then the librarian came along and made me take it out.

The first transgender person I ever knew was my aunt, who was like a father to me.

Why was I fired from my job as a gynecologist? I'd rather not go into it.

The best way to tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant is that one of them is an elephant.

So, I'm sitting in a recliner, naked, watching a movie, minding my own business, when the manager at Walmart calls the cops!

I could be a morning person if morning started around noon.

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella, but he hesitated.

Non-alcoholic beer is like watching porn on the radio.

It's always hard talking to a pretty woman. Then she'll notice it and it goes soft again.

If one of my jokes offended you, it will probably happen again. I'm a repeat offender.

It's okay to talk to yourself, and okay to answer yourself. But it's sad when you have to repeat yourself because you weren't listening.

I'm at the point in my life where the most exciting text I get is "Your prescription is ready to pick up."

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives. My religious movement should start anytime now.

I hate Scrabble so much, I can't put it into words.

95% of all electric vehicles are still on the road today. The other 5% made it all the way home.

You can't spell families without "lies".

I tried reading the dictionary in bed last night. I didn't finish it. I got up to P.

People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my twenty-three dependents in.

It's very rare that a defibrillator fails, but when it does, no one is shocked.

My friend is great at selling home security systems. If no one is home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

I didn't watch any of the New Years Eve shows on TV this year. If I wanted to see a ball drop, I'd pull down my underwear.

My wife and I have started role playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is "Sexy Librarian", where I sit quietly while she reads a book.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.

I like to play dodge ball with random people who don't know they're playing.

For my next trick, I need a condom and a volunteer.

You remind me of my pinky toe. Sooner or later I'm gonna bang you on a table.

Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I'm watching a TV show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Anyone wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?

I bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.

If I've learned anything in my 29 years on this earth, is that it's okay to lie about your age.

Life Hack: Rent the same type of car you own and switch the tires. Best $39.95 I ever spent.

You're broke. I'm broke. This whole relationship is non-cents.

The Amazon delivery driver paid me a nice compliment today. He rang the bell and said I have a rather large package. How nice of him to notice.

The price of gas has everyone driving like they're on probation.

My kids wanted to know what it was like being a mom. So I woke them up at two A.M. to let them know my sock came off.

You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.

I used to be fucking stupid, but we broke up.

My girlfriend says I'm cheap, so I took her out for tea and biscuits. It was quite exciting as she had never given blood before.

If someone gives me a gift I don't like, I say "I'll treasure it forever." Then I bury it in the woods like a pirate.

It was so cold out today that the local flashers are just describing themselves to people.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband, the ears are sold separately.

If there's one thing I've learned it's that I should have learned some other stuff.

By the time someone says something in a meeting that's worth writing down, I've already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

Today I went into the bathroom without my cell phone, just like my ancestors used to do.

If anyone has no family or friends and will be eating alone this Christmas, let me know. I need to borrow your chairs.

Would all you ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man. I nearly got kidnapped three times today.

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out. I don't like visitors.

I'm pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and then I'll have the whole set.

My wife said she wanted to see Jerry Springer live for her birthday. So I got her sister pregnant. We're on next Wednesday.

To all you guys wearing skinny jeans: I think you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way.

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life obviously never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

I know why I can't lose weight. I've got metal fillings in my teeth and my refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.

I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.

I wanted to shave my private parts and I used my phone camera as a mirror. It all went great until I started getting likes on Facebook.

Just because your son plays with dolls does not mean he's gay. You used to play Monopoly and you don't own any property.

Some days I feel like my brain has logged out and I can't remember my password.

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. She's been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house, so I bought her a magazine rack.

I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see how well I'm doing now. But noooooo. The bitch is still alive.

My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. Well, I laugh more.

I pulled out a nose hair today to see if it would hurt. Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it was pretty painful.

A quiet man is a thinking man. A quite woman is usually mad.

I accidentally put Viagra in my ear. I'm hard of hearing now.

I hate it when ugly women use perfume. They make me turn around for nothing.

When Miley Cyrus dances nearly nude and licks a hammer, it's called art. When I do it I get kicked out of Home Depot.

I just bought some Viagra tea bags. They don't improve your sex life, but they keep your biscuits from going soft.

The police just knocked on my door and said they're looking for a man with one eye. I suggested they use both. They'd probably find him quicker.

Anyone can masturbate under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the barber noticing.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. It's only a draft at the moment.

Triscuts are the perfect snack for anyone who ever had the urge to eat wicker furniture.

I always try to be the bigger person. Donuts help.

A guy asked me for a dollar. I told him I only had big bills. He said he'd take one of those, so I gave him my electric bill.

I'm making a new documentary series on how to fly a plane. We're currently filming the pilot.

If there are any guitarist out there who want to know the secret of making their instrument sound better, stay tuned.

My wife said she had blisters on her hands from the broom. I told her to take the car next time.

Police have confirmed that a man who fell from the roof of a nightclub was not a bouncer.

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked the doctor if I could still write with it. He said, "Maybe, but don't count on it."

I start my new job as a trash collector next week. There's no formal training, you just pick things up as you go along.

When three people have sex it's called a threesome. When two people have sex it's called a twosome. I guess that's why they call you handsome.

I need to find a cure for dressing up like a pirate. I tried patches, but that only made it worse.

They say for every beer you drink you lose two minutes off your life. According to my calculations, I must have died in 1630.

I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was. She said March first. So, I walked around the room for a bit and asked her again.

I just read about a guy that was killed by a shark while on his honeymoon. At least he didn't suffer long. He was only married for ten days.

I let my blind friend borrow money the other day. He said he'd pay me back the next time he saw me. Hey! Wait a minute...

I never realized how funny I am until I started talking to myself.

I don't hold grudges. I remember facts.

My four-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word "please", which I think is poor for four.

My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.

The technical term for owning too many dogs is a "Roverdose."

Tongue-twister champion arrested! D.A. seeks tough sentence.

I considered buying an electric car, but I don't have a current licence.

If I was a suicide bomber I'd blow my self up by accident, but that's me all over.

The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost".

Remember: When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it's illegal to dig it up.

I'm a professional forger, and I have the documents to prove it.

I thought I'd be trendy and try one of these alternative milks. I don't know what magnesia is, but it made my cornflakes taste terrible.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner you are a terrible parent. I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed. You should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

I guess I ate too many Navy beans last night. This morning I had a dishonorable discharge.

Vaginas are like the weather. If it's wet, it's time to go inside.

When I was a kid, my mom yelled at us so loud that even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Exorcise makes you look better naked. So does alcohol... Your choice.

I just had my house redecorated by a retired pilot. The downstairs was good, but he did an amazing job on the landing.

I recently joined a nudist colony. The first few days were the hardest.

I heard what you did for a Klondike bar. Call me.

The other day I made eye contact with a beautiful woman. It was great until she said, "Stop touching my eye!"

The best part of waking up... is still a mystery to me.

Some days the best thing about my job is the chair spins.

Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.

Today is National Women's Day. It should have been yesterday, but they weren't ready.

I hate it when I go out in public and the public is there.

People who shoplift dictionaries have got a way with words.

My wife kept going on and on about what she should use the empty drawer for. I finally told her to put a sock in it.

Someone broke into my office and stole all of the coffee cups. I've got to go to the police station later and look at some mug shots.

Does anyone know how to fix hinges? If so, stop over anytime. My door is always open.

With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me.

Save the business cards of people you don't like. If you accidentally hit a parked car, just write "Sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

There's only one thing that keeps me from getting the new iPhone... iBroke.

I always carry a small stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October. I call it my jingle bell rock.

I accidentally used my Donor Card instead of my Credit Card to buy some stuff online. It cost me an arm and a leg.

My shrink told me to leave my past behind. So if I owe you money, sorry, I've moved on.

I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I'm a veterinarian, so I drive like an animal." I suddenly realized how many proctologists there are on the road.

If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

This lady at Walmart was staring at me like she never saw anyone apply deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

My wife asked me if I could clear the table. I had to get a running start, but I made it.

The other day a woman described me as "a bit of a looker." Well, "voyeur" was the actual word she used.

I enjoy a glass of wine every night for the health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

My wife asked me today if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said, "No, I didn't know he could."

Drinking at home instead of a bar isn't working out. I almost asked my wife for her phone number.

If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people. They're the ones who keep having gay babies.

I opened up three birthday cards today and I'm ahead $60. I love being a mailman.

Certain people have accused me of holding grudges, and I know who they are... all of them.

Sleeping in could easily be my super-power, if not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.

The truth shall set you free. Unless you're in court... then you should probably shut the hell up.

I'm convinced that my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Banks should do a better job at keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fifth one I've been to that says Insufficient Funds.

I asked what LBGTQ stands for. I couldn't get a straight answer.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me over and over again, you're the weather man.

I paid the rent. Now I've got a place to starve to death.

Dear Life, could you at least start using lubricant?

If it's the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.

I've been watching my weight. It's still there.

I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night. Does anyone know if they're showing the highlights?

My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making Star Wars puns. Divorce is strong in this one.

The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24 hours, 365 days, right from birth until your first erection.

I'm stuck between a rock and someone I'd like to hit with it.

My favorite childhood memory is having energy.

Remember: There is no "I" in Misinformation.

A worm is a pretty poor prize for getting up early if you ask me.

I've learned two very important lessons in life. I can't recall the first one, but the second one is I need to start writing things down.

I can hear someone screaming. That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.

On average, I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Ladies, before you judge a man's looks, remember that 90% of your beauty can be removed with a wet wipe.

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. My name, my address, my phone number...

Why do Americans choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

My financial status? I just rinsed off a paper plate.

The only one who ever wanted me for who I am is the police.

The best way to win an argument is to have a vagina.

I'm so single right now, I could stand on a cliff and shout, "I love you," and the echo would say, "I just want to be friends."

I wish I could get paid for sleeping. That would be my dream job.

I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.

My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

Whenever I'm feeling stressed I make a nice, hot cup of tea. Then I spill it in the lap of whoever is bothering me.

Stop trying to figure out who's going to wear the pants in your relationship. Relationships work best when no one is wearing pants.

"Revenge" sounds so mean and petty. I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."

Sharks aren't so bad. If a stranger entered my home wearing only a Speedo, I'd probably attack him too.

Behind every great woman is a man who is trying to do her doggy style.

I just bought a boomerang from a ghost. I'm sure that will come back to haunt me.

I just got fired from a keyboard factory. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

If something good is in store for me, where exactly is this store?

I'm staying home today. I have mood poisoning.

Do you know what gives me butterflies every single time? Buying caterpillars.

She wanted me to make her feel special, so I gave her a helmet and some crayons.

For her birthday I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour. It was not the apple watch she was apparently expecting.

I ordered some German food over the internet. The sauerkraut has arrived, but the wurst is yet to come.

I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy.

All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

My doctor gave me some anti-bragging cream. I can't wait to rub it in.

My New Year's resolution was to read more, so I enabled subtitles on my TV.

Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. The irony.

Have you ever noticed that the bible talks about St. Paul, but doesn't mention Minneapolis.

I'm going to open a restaurant called Peace And Quiet, where kids meals are $250.00 each.

Why did they name it Erectile Dysfunction when it should be called Ballzheimer's"

The definition of a tramp: A woman with the morals of a man.

It took a lot of willpower, but I finally gave up dieting.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses. It will be for people who love meat tender.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. It's only a draft at the moment.

Yesterday I lost a good friend to a tragic accident. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

Do you use your right hand to stir your coffee? I use a spoon.

I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn that light was green.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quite while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

The only person who listens to both sides of the argument is the next door neighbor.

When my wife is hot I blow cool air on her shoulders. She likes it, but I'm not a fan.

When your muscles are sore, wrapping your leg in cabbage makes your leg smell like cabbage.

What does IDK stand for? I've asked a lot of people, but no one seems to know.

Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? Ask your doctor about Tequila.

I have a pretty big butt, so when I half-ass something you're still getting something pretty impressive.

I bought a box of those animal shaped biscuits, but I had to take them back. The seal was broken.

I set my clock ahead to prevent being late, but all it did was sharpen my subtraction skills.

In Athens, no one wakes up before noon. Dawn is tough on Greece.

Walmart has free chicken! But you have to walk around the store and eat it.

I changed my computer password to "Alcatraz" and now my Esc button won't work.

I bought one of those "smart light switches", but it was much too clever. So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.

My wife wants me to wear a bracelet that belonged to her grandfather. It says "Do Not Resuscitate."

I'm having an out of money experience.

They say wisdom comes with age. Therefore, I don't have wrinkles, I have wisecracks.

Gardening season is off to a great start. I planted myself in front of a TV four weeks ago and I've already grown noticeably.

Someone just threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt.

I had a quiet game of tennis today. It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

I passed gas at work the other day. Luckily my gossiping co-workers didn't get wind of it.

I thought he was my knight in shining armor. He turned out to be a loser wrapped in tin foil.

With the amount of hair I've lost over the years, I can now get a haircut over the phone.

I may be crazy, but at least I have each other.

I'm organizing a charity ball next week for people who can't achieve orgasm. Let me know if you can't come.

I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears.

People always say I don't know how to use sunscreen properly. Alright, there's no need to rub it in.

Why isn't sperm called porn syrup?

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.

I bought a book called A Guide To Surgical Procedures. I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush. There's no plaque.

I hate people who take drugs. Like cops, DEA, narcs.

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out, because I don't like visitors.

I told him I wanted to walk down the aisle. He sent me grocery shopping.

According to a box of macaroni and cheese, I'm a family of four.

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't. It just shits on the floor.

Some people like to put everyone into neat little boxes. We call those people undertakers.

I haven't exercised in so long, my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

I don't understand why we spend so much money on clothes to impress somebody we want to be naked with.

I released a new scent last week. The other people in the car didn't care much for it.

Since I gave up masturbating I just don't feel myself.

I saw two blind guys fighting. You should have seen the look on their faces when I said, "My money's on the one with the knife."

I understand how cars work, but airplanes are way over my head.

I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

I never know what to say when someone tells me they're pregnant, so I usually just say, "I like fucking too."

Just for fun, I call in sick to places I don't even work at.

I saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.

I'm getting over my procrastination issues, just you wait and see.

I can't afford a vacation, so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am.

I understand how cars work, but airplanes are way over my head.

The chill pill I took this morning appears to have been a placebo.

I'm staying home from work today. I have mood poisoning.

I rolled my eyes so hard, I checked out my own ass.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.

My superhero name would be Typoman, writer of wrongs.

I turned down a job where I would be paid in vegetables. The celery was unacceptable.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten, so you can choose.

My job is so top secret, even I don't know what I'm doing.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam documentary I've ever seen.

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu. You get what you deserve.

Have you ever noticed that some people talk louder when they drink? That's why alcohol content is listed by volume.

I accidentally went shopping on an empty stomach. I'm now the proud owner of aisle 5.

How do nudists clean their glasses?

I'm as single as a dollar and I'm not looking for change.

I accidentally used the dog's shampoo this morning and now I'm feeling like such a good girl.

I just flew back from a ravioli convention. Boyaredees arms tired.

My stomach has been acting up today. I'm going to send a pizza down to investigate.

How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

Did you hear about the blond who kept wondering why her brother had four sisters and she only had three?

Every week I give a percentage of my wages to Charity, and also other strippers.

I don't have a Dad Bod. I have a father figure.

I could stand at an angle of 45 degrees if I were so inclined.

If I win an award for laziness, will you pick it up for me?

If you sweat when putting gas in your car and feel sick when you pay for it, you've got the car-owners virus.

I never see the old man next door anymore, which is a shame because I want to tell him how great his milk bottle collection is.

Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's garage sale, then stand back and watch the reactions?

It's okay if you don't know what "prefix" means. It's not the end of the word.

People say that being a waiter is a terrible job. But hey, it puts food on the table.

I got fired from my job at the hospital for stealing neck braces, but at least I could leave with my head held high.

I saw a book called "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems", so I bought two.

Males bees die after mating. That's basically their life. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

I feel much more attractive at Wal-Mart than I do at the gym.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

Today I'm going to give it my some.

Do you ever wonder if Popeye's Chicken is soaked in Olive Oil?

I'm only sick on week days. I have a weekend immune system.

I don't understand how funeral homes can raise their prices and then blame it on the cost of living.

My dance style ranges from a White dad at a BBQ to a stripper whose rent is due in the morning.

I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

Math made simple: If you have $20 and your wife has $5, she has $25.

I'm no stranger to hard work. I've seen it done.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Some days are like toilet paper. You think you're on a roll, then the crap starts.

You can't make a man treat you right, but you can make him wish he did.

When life closes one door... open it again. That's how doors work.

Stupidity knows no bounds, but it sure knows a lot of people.

Why do socks and underwear come in re-sealable bags, but potato chips don't?

If you don't use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car, we must be in a totally different tax bracket.

I don't let my age define me, but the side effects are getting hard to ignore.

I couldn't afford a DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery and found out who my relatives are.

I don't hold grudges. I remember facts.

I used to say I had a nine inch penis, but that was really stretching it.

People are prisoners to their phones. That's why they're called cell phones.

I don't watch soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody try to score for 90 minutes I'd take my friends out to a bar.

If you watch Jaws backwards it's a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

I bought an alarm clock that swears at you in the morning. Talk about a rude awakening!

I'm writing a book about all of the things I should be doing with my life. It's an oughta-biography.

I've recently found that people nowadays don't like to hold hands in public. Especially if you don't know them.

I just did a couple of laps around the gym. Perhaps next time I'll park the car and actually go in.

You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out of.

Some people like to boast about their sexual conquests, but virgins remain tight lipped.

Big shoes mean a big penis. I wonder what clown said that.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I'm awake.

Apparently it's only appropriate to say, "Look at you! You're getting so big!" to children. Adults tend to get offended.

When I said I was normal I may have exaggerated slightly.

I don't always hear how my family is doing, but when I do it's usually on a police scanner.

Fun fact: The average human body contains enough bones to make an entire skeleton.

I'm broke, but not like poor broke. I'm a classy type of broke. I'm baroque.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I'd go with "Doesn't follow instructions."

Everything happens for a reason. Usually the reason is some idiot.

If you don't stay out of my business I'm going to have to send you a tax receipt.

Turns out, an at-home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift.

We've hired a proof reader for this website. We think he's well worth the monkey.

My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes. It Taurus apart.

I'm so tired, I think I might have that Chinese disease called Dragon Ass.

Remember: Having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory alive. I wish you all a great 2016.

Waffles are just pancakes that are ribbed for your pleasure.

The only B.S. I need in my life is breakfast and sex.

You know what makes me smile? Face muscles.

Have you heard of the new music group, Cellophane? They're mostly wrap.

Marriage is what happens when dating goes too far.

In England they drive on the left. Over here we drive on what's left.

Do you believe in love at first site, or should I walk by again?

I want to be buried with all of my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

It's been months since I bought the book, How To Scam People On Line. It still hasn't arrived yet.

Orgasms are like cooking. I could do it myself, but I prefer someone else doing it for me.

I tried to say no to vodka, but it's 40% stronger than me.

I'm not fat. I'm just so sexy it overflows.

I don't mess with people with no profile picture. If you're scared of your own face, so am I.

My diet is not going well. My wife asked me what kind of eggs I wanted for breakfast. I said, "Cadbury."

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

My whole life feels like a test I didn't study for.

A charity worker came to my front door, collecting for a homeless shelter. So, I gave him a cardboard box.

The thing about getting older is your eyesight starts getting weaker, but your ability to see through people gets much better.

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward time, just to see if it was all worth it in the end.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right and exercise. But that was four hours ago, when I was young and full of hope.

If I told you I work for UPS, would you let me handle your package?

When someone recommends a book to me and says, "It's a page turner!" I say, "Yeah, I know how books work."

There's nothing better than finding ten dollars in the pocket of an old pair of jeans. Especially if the wearer doesn't notice you taking it.

I love it when a woman says those words that mean she's up for sex that night. "This drink tastes funny."

I am now "Take a picture of labels with my phone so I can blow it up bigger," years old.

Sprinkles are for cupcakes, not for toilet seats.

It's hotter than a hooker's doorknob on nickel night.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me next Thursday.

How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic, candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner?

As a young child, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out this called identity theft.

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could come in and look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so rude sometimes.

If you're thinking what I'm thinking... you need professional help.

I was so drunk last night, I got hit by a parked car.

I own 51% of a company that hunts vampires. I'm the major stake holder.

There's a new support group for compulsive talkers. It's called On Anon.

When I said I like it rough I meant the sex, not the whole relationship.

Everyone at the John Lennon Airport has been quarantined. Imagine... all the people.

If you have a red wine stain on your carpet, get some white wine and drink it until you don't care anymore.

My new SUV has a button on the dashboard that I'm afraid to push. It says "Rear Wiper".

It's so cold out, I just farted snowflakes.

COVID paranoia has reached a new level. I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus program started a scan on its own.

I just saw three people jogging outside, and it inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

The scariest hood I've ever been through is parenthood.

Everyone is complaining about people still having their Christmas tree up. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, that means that no one else wanted them, so set them free again.

I'm not very good at push ups or pull ups, but screw ups, that's where I shine.

I love putting on warm underwear, fresh out of the dryer. Plus, it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Has anyone else used WD 40 to get rid of mice? It doesn't kill them, but it does stop them from squeaking.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.

We had a contest to find the best neckwear. It was a tie.

When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

I don't have tattoos for the same reason you don't put bumper stickers on a Ferrarri.

I used to play the triangle in the school band, but I quit. It was just one ting after another.

I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.

I'm as tired as a vibrator in an all women's prison.

My dad showed me a thirty minute Power Point presentation on why you should always wear a condom during sex. All the slides were just pictures of me.

I went to see Dr. Hook in the '70s. It was the worst prostate exam I ever had.

I was going to throw in the towel, but then I remembered how much laundry I already have.

Say what you want about women, but I think turning one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.

I think I need to lose a little weight. I tried to sit up in bed this morning and ended up rocking myself back to sleep.

I found a diet plan that really works. It's called the price of food!

Men who say that women belong in the kitchen apparently have no idea what to do with them in the bedroom.

Did you ever notice that there are no recipes for leftover chocolate?

I made my coffee this morning with Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

The word of the day is Airgasm: The intense pleasure from the air on your face when you remove your mask.

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag of M&Ms on the floor. It was the best game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen.

My diet has failed. I shall now concentrate on growing taller.

I got the results of my prostate exam back. Two thumbs up!

I did a little mechanical work today. I put a rear end into a recliner.

Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

They say you can't find happiness at the bottom of a bottle. Well no kidding... Who's happy with an empty bottle?

I wish I could lose weight as fast as I lose the motivation to lose weight.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It functions 24 hours a day from the day you were born, and only stops when you take an exam or fall in love.

I'm not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

I'm never quite sure if I actually have free time or if I'm just forgetting something.

For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around the Wendy's parking lot.

Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms. Nobody came.

Ladies, if you think your man is cheating, take him to the bitch's door and see if her wifi connects.

I made a COVID mask out of my underwear. It worked briefly.

I avoid things that make me fat, like mirrors, scales and photographs.

I've been to the dentist several times. I know the drill.

I just bought some condoms and the cashier asked if I needed a bag. I said, "No, she's not that ugly."

A policeman came to my door today to ask where I was between five and six. I told him, "Kindergarten."

It's not easy being a mother. If it was, fathers could do it.

My wife bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday. I couldn't find the words to thank her.

I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth. She was down to the final four.

Does it bother anybody that 2021 is pronounced 2020 won?

The number one cause of dry skin is towels.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!

It's too bad I don't keep a swear jar. If I did it could finance the space program.

I got a telemarketer who said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press one for English.

The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey. Also, I've started calling myself The Doctor.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I tried drag racing the other day. It's murder trying to run in heels.

To all those athletes who think we're listening to them: "If I wanted advice from somebody who chases a ball, I'd ask my dog."

I sued the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

What do you call it when someone gets fired from Apple? An Apple turnover.

I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

My kids keep laughing about my memory. They won't be laughing on Christmas morning when there's no eggs under the tree.

The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way," has a 0% success rate.

My wife asked me to help her with the vacuuming, so I lifted my feet.

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Then there's that awkward moment when your kid's school recommends special ed, and you've been doing their homework.

I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.

I'm developing a new fragrance for social distancing. It's called "Leave Me The Fuh Cologne."

After my car broke down, I saw a billboard that said, "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-1234." So I called. A Mexican with a tow truck showed up.

Family are like mosquitoes; annoying, but they carry your blood.

I was sitting, drinking coffee in my slippers this morning when I thought, "I really need to wash some cups."

I felt like a real gentleman when I opened the door for my mother-in-law. Mind you, I was going 60 mph at the time.

Women never apologize. They just sleep naked and let you decide if you're still mad or not.

I'm not saying that I'm addicted to caffeine, but my birth stone is a coffee bean.

Unless your kid's fund raiser is selling whisky, I'm not really interested.

It's a little known fact that cow farts come from the dairy air.

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry? 58.

Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they're a solid number two.

I asked a friend for a newspaper. He told me to get with the times and handed me his iPod. That fly never saw it coming.

I went to a dance. First they played "Jump", so I jumped. Then they played "The Twist", so I twisted. Then they played "Come On Eileen", and that's when I got kicked out.

My dentist has lots of posters of teeth and gums in his office. Luckily my gynecologist hasn't really decorated hers.

Be extra careful on the roads around Christmas. A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

I like to think I'll die a heroic death, but I'm more likely to trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar stays until she apologizes.

For my last birthday I celebrated with a couple of adult beverages; Metamucil and Ensure.

Instead of a condom, I keep a moist towelette in my wallet because I run into buffalo wings a lot more often than I do sex.

If Wednesday is "Hump Day", does that make Tuesday "Foreplay Day"?

I went dancing last night. Well, it was actually a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.

How is it that you can sue Walmart if you fall, McDonald's if you get fat, but not Budweiser for all the ugly people you've slept with?

Parenting without s sense of humor is like being an accountant who is bad a math.

I'll start drinking responsibly when they start making a beer called Responsibly.

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. That should spice up my autobiography.

I sat in my hairdresser's chair and said, "Make me look sexy." She started drinking.

The closest I'll ever get to twerking is trying to fit my ass into last year's jeans.

I'm only mean to people who deserve it. I guess you could call me a bitchilante.

When I was young I was very poor. But after years of hard work, I'm no longer young.

I got kicked out of the hospital today. Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" means something completely different than I assumed.

You know you're getting old when you have a hole between your boobs. It's called a belly button.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both lefts. On one hand it's great, but on the other it's just not right.

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If interested, let me know and I'll jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but I realized I only have a croc pot.

It turns out that the answers to my problems didn't lie at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is I tried.

This year went by so fast that I didn't get a chance to lose weight.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the Home button but I'm still at work.

I need that kind of coffee that's so strong, when I take a sip my ancestors wake up.

I don't understand stupid people. Maybe I should take one apart to see how they work.

I prefer sex with the lights off. That way it won't drain the car battery.

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within four inches. Note to self: Do not carry them in your back pocket.

I have mixed drinks about feelings.

I changed all of my passwords to Kenny. Now I have Kenny Loggins.

My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate, then burn them. Done, but I don't know what to do with the letters.

I decided to try magnetic lashes, now my eyelid is stuck to the fridge. Please send help.

If you eat cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking.

A bunch of crows is called a murder. A bunch of kids is called a migraine.

The hardest part of making skim milk must be throwing the cows across the lake.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my fourteen day diet in just three hours and twelve minutes.

A photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people being photographed did try to warn him.

Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found himalayan on the road.

If gas prices keep going up it will be cheaper just to buy cocaine and run everywhere.

A baby can drink from a bottle and fall asleep and everybody says it's cute. But as soon as I do it I'm an alcoholic.

My wife just called me a sex machine. Well, her actual words were, "You're a fucking tool!", but I knew what she meant.

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

I'm pretty sure my dream job would be a Karma delivery person.

You know you're getting older when you start noticing little gray hairs in your children's hair.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I used to subscribe to a magazine for people with spinal problems. I don't any more, but I've still got the back issues.

I'm always in control. I run a tight shipwreck.

They say that women are the needy ones... but you don't hear about anyone mail ordering husbands.

I hate it when I gain ten pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

In case no one has told you today, I'm beautiful.

I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on just one.

Today a clown held the door for me. What a nice jester.

When I was little my mom used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming I loved it. I didn't really. She was just putting words in my mouth.

Imagine how much noise a centipede would make if it wore flip flops.

If a dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would it be okay or would you have mixed fillings?

This is diarrhea awareness week. Runs 'til Friday.

I traced my family tree. It grows mostly nuts.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different story.

I entered a contest to find the most considerate lover. I came second.

I told myself I should stop drinking, but I'm not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like, that's why I'm here.

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsite.

As I sit here reflecting on life and all the people I've lost, I think to myself, "Maybe tour guide wasn't the job for me."

The first thing I look at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front is not my fault.

The guy at the furniture store told me that the sofa would seat five people without any problems. I don't even know five people without any problems.

A huge stack of toilet paper fell on me at the grocery store. I'm okay though. Just some soft tissue damage.

I've got a bigger penis than 50% of all porn stars, because they're women.

Not to brag or anything, but I have one of those metabolisms where I can eat anything I want and still get fat.

People write "Congrats" because they can't spell "Congrajlashins".

Sometimes God sends your ex back into your life to see if you're still stupid.

When a chameleon can't change its colors anymore, is that called a reptile dysfunction?

Every woman has a bit of Marilyn inside her. You just have to find out if it's Monroe or Manson.

My wife complains that I never buy her jewelry. In my defence, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. When I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

Spilling wine is the adult equivalent of losing your balloon.

Push up bras are like a bag of potato chips. Once you open it, there's less than you expected.

I've been sober for 43 days. Not in a row or anything, just in total.

If you were wondering about my culinary skills, I've been asked to bring paper towels to our family gatherings.

Men are like cars. They pull out before they check to see if someone else is coming.

If you like to listen to music while having sex, always choose a live album. That way you'll hear a round of applause every three or four minutes.

Men might wear the pants, but women control the zipper.

If you line up all of your exes in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

Someone offered me some grapes, but I declined. I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form.

Instead of "single" as a status, I prefer "independently owned and operated."

I love kitchen sex because it's probably my only chance to get laid on an island.

I went to a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I hate it when I'm checking Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off the windshield.

I got a new stick deodorant today. It says "remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Although my girlfriend is addicted to Meth, she is still so beautiful. Those eyes, those lips, that tooth.

Telling a man you already have a man won't stop them from hitting on you, but if you say you used to be a man...

I ate too much salad on the weekend, so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That's ridiculous. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

My kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas. Normally I do a turkey, but hey, if it makes them happy...

I bought a Jack-In-The-Box off E-Bay and it doesn't work. Why am I not surprised?

I visited a Doritos farm today. What a cool ranch!

My wife says I talk in my sleep, but no one at work has ever mentioned it.

Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing.

They're having a bad posture contest at work. I have a hunch I might win.

The bartender said, "I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?" I said, "Why would I want two empty glasses?"

I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind person, which is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom! The house is gone.

Promises are like babies. They're fun to make, but hard to deliver.

Redneck word of the day: Budweiser. "She has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?"

I tried to log in on my i-pad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch. I don't even own an i-pad. Also, I'm out of wine.

How to tell someone their breath stinks without hurting their feelings: "I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth."

I had a wonderful date last night. Tonight I'm going to try a fig.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

Never play tennis with a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket.

After winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently that's not acceptable in bowling.

If I had a dollar for every time that algebra helped me, I'd have x dollars.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

I hate it when someone accuses me of not caring about whatever the hell it was they were talking about.

If your wife starts a sentence with, "I just find it funny how..." there's a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction. All I can think about is winning her back.

I saw a very attractive woman spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground. So I threw my fries on the ground.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's this morning. His mom was furious.

I drank so much tequila last night I woke up speaking Spanish.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

The designer of the ballet skirt was stumped for a name until he put tu and tu together.

It was so hot today, I saw a robin wearing oven mitts to pick up worms.

I bought some slippers with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.

I'm addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers. I've tried to stop, but I just can't quit cold turkey.

It was so hot today that I took off all of my clothes and sat by the window. The other people on the bus weren't pleased.

Don't worry about your smart phone and your TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

I went to a bar last night and some chick got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated subject, I suck at darts.

Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc. Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee.

I've heard that the government wants to put chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. I know she'll come crawling back to me.

I asked a lady if I could touch her hair. She said yes, so I ran my finger across her top lip. That's how the fight started.

I would be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else.

Give a man a fish, and apparently you're a really bad secret Santa.

Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged thing at a thrift store that doesn't smell.

My doctor told me my sugar is too high, so I came home and put it on a lower shelf.

I was in a porn film once, but you might not have noticed me. I only had a small part.

Never coax an old drummer out of retirement or there will be repercussions.

When one door closes another one opens. Other than that, it's a pretty good car.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be like, "Why am always getting these nickels?"

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid, because no one could ever find it.

69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.

I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos, but it's hard... so hard.

I got a great deal on a wig today, only ten bucks. It was a small price toupee.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.

The number of people that confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And a woman's got to do what he can't.

I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.

If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

Do you know why they call them "heated seats"? Because "rear defroster" was already taken.

If you mix poison ivy with a four leaf clover do you get a rash of good luck?

I just found out that there's no popcorn in popcorn shrimp. I guess there's no point in trying pot roast.

It turns out that when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

If they let prisoners take their own mug shots, would they be called cellfies?

I went to a psychic. I knocked on her door. She yelled, "Who is it?". So I left.

At my house, cleaning is just putting things in a less obvious place.

I got gas today for $1.29. Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter. It's pretty nuts.

I need a senior's GPS, not just to tell me how to get there, but also to remind me why I wanted to go there.

I'm so old, I went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I saw a man today with no chin. All I could think was, "How does he put on pillow cases?"

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.

I've found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It's just collecting dust.

I told my doctor I was addicted to Twitter. He said, "Sorry, I'm not following you."

During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.

What a strange day it's been. First I found a hat full of money, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

I've always wondered what the job application is like for Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."?

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.

Knowledge is like underwear. It's useful to have, but not necessary to show it off.

I think people have been talking about my paranoia.

I can't remember how to write, 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals. IM LIVID.

I looked up my symptoms online and it turns out I just have kids.

My whole life I thought that air was free... until I bought a bag of chips.

A zoo opened with just one dog in it. It's a Shihtzu.

The definition of irony is getting pregnant on a pull-out couch.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning coming from my bedroom, that was just me trying to stand up.

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because it's hard to have fun when you might shit your pants.

Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when a farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

The first time I had sex I enjoyed it so much that I kept the receipt.

No one thinks I'm old until they hear me stand up.

I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!

If you're in your forties it's time to leave those young girls alone and get a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.

I always wanted to lay naked on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace. Apparently Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside.

Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people who live here that I haven't met yet.

I lost my best friend in an accident. His finger got caught in a wedding ring.

Why did the blind man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them. The Police call it indecent exposure, but whatever.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor.

Someone called my wife a pig last night. I said, "Don't listen to him, Babe."

It was so windy when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the liquor store.

I had a really bad day. First, my ex got ran over by a bus. Then, I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

According to my neighbor's private journal, I have "boundary issues."

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I made my bride's dreams come true when we were married in a castle. But you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

I've reached the point in my life called "snapdragon." What used to snap is now draggin'.

You know you're old when you go to bed at the same time you used to go out.

When I see lover's names carved into a tree I wonder why anyone would bring a knife on a date.

I break out in a rash every time my boss hands me my paycheck. It turns out I'm allergic to peanuts.

I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on the triangle disappeared.

Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?

My favorite color is green. I like it better than blue and yellow combined.

You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.

To turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed, simply forget your wife's birthday.

My neighbor with the big boobs was gardening topless again today. I sure wish his wife would do the same.

Did you realize that if you sit on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight, it's the same shit, different day?

I was gonna buy an iPad but couldn't afford it, so I bought an iPatch instead. It's the pirate version

You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, "In 400 feet, stop and let me out."

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted... I wish I had a puppy.

I've started to do cross-fit. I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit.

I'm addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell. I just love foreign axe scents.

If you can't think of a word, say "I can't remember the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

A big nose is no excuse not to wear a mask. I mean, I still wear underwear.

I finally achieved my dream of having a night of passion with a cougar and that's why I'm now banned from the zoo.

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

Have you ever noticed that underwear is a lot like nail polish. They both come off easily with a little alcohol.

I was so drunk last night, the police pulled somebody over on TV and I hid my beer under the sofa.

I met my wife at a singles dance. Well actually, she danced, I gave her singles.

Do you know why you can't hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything.

If I had 50 cents for every math exam I ever failed, I'd have $8.40.

Don't blame others for the road you're on. It's your own asphalt.

An alcoholic tried to become a lawyer, but he couldn't pass the bar.

I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

I bought the wife a Pug dog the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

I don't think I've ever cleaned my bathroom mirror, which is something that reflects very badly on me.

I knew the psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check.

I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.

I'm waiting for a new movie called Constipated. It hasn't come out yet.

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