Mr. One-Liner

I opened up three birthday cards today and I'm ahead $60. I love being a mailman.

Certain people have accused me of holding grudges, and I know who they are... all of them.

Sleeping in could easily be my super-power, if not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.

The truth shall set you free. Unless you're in court... then you should probably shut the hell up.

I'm convinced that my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Banks should do a better job at keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fifth one I've been to that says Insufficient Funds.

I asked what LBGTQ stands for. I couldn't get a straight answer.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me over and over again, you're the weather man.

I paid the rent. Now I've got a place to starve to death.

Dear Life, could you at least start using lubricant?

If it's the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.

I've been watching my weight. It's still there.

I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night. Does anyone know if they're showing the highlights?

My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making Star Wars puns. Divorce is strong in this one.

The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24 hours, 365 days, right from birth until your first erection.

I'm stuck between a rock and someone I'd like to hit with it.

My favorite childhood memory is having energy.

Remember: There is no "I" in Misinformation.

A worm is a pretty poor prize for getting up early if you ask me.

I've learned two very important lessons in life. I can't recall the first one, but the second one is I need to start writing things down.

I can hear someone screaming. That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.

On average, I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Ladies, before you judge a man's looks, remember that 90% of your beauty can be removed with a wet wipe.

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. My name, my address, my phone number...

Why do Americans choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

My financial status? I just rinsed off a paper plate.

The only one who ever wanted me for who I am is the police.

The best way to win an argument is to have a vagina.

I'm so single right now, I could stand on a cliff and shout, "I love you," and the echo would say, "I just want to be friends."

I wish I could get paid for sleeping. That would be my dream job.

I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.

My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

Whenever I'm feeling stressed I make a nice, hot cup of tea. Then I spill it in the lap of whoever is bothering me.

Stop trying to figure out who's going to wear the pants in your relationship. Relationships work best when no one is wearing pants.

"Revenge" sounds so mean and petty. I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."

Sharks aren't so bad. If a stranger entered my home wearing only a Speedo, I'd probably attack him too.

Behind every great woman is a man who is trying to do her doggy style.

I just bought a boomerang from a ghost. I'm sure that will come back to haunt me.

I just got fired from a keyboard factory. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

If something good is in store for me, where exactly is this store?

I'm staying home today. I have mood poisoning.

Do you know what gives me butterflies every single time? Buying caterpillars.

She wanted me to make her feel special, so I gave her a helmet and some crayons.

For her birthday I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour. It was not the apple watch she was apparently expecting.

I ordered some German food over the internet. The sauerkraut has arrived, but the wurst is yet to come.

I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy.

All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

My doctor gave me some anti-bragging cream. I can't wait to rub it in.

My New Year's resolution was to read more, so I enabled subtitles on my TV.

Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. The irony.

Have you ever noticed that the bible talks about St. Paul, but doesn't mention Minneapolis.

I'm going to open a restaurant called Peace And Quiet, where kids meals are $250.00 each.

Why did they name it Erectile Dysfunction when it should be called Ballzheimer's"

The definition of a tramp: A woman with the morals of a man.

It took a lot of willpower, but I finally gave up dieting.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses. It will be for people who love meat tender.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. It's only a draft at the moment.

Yesterday I lost a good friend to a tragic accident. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

Do you use your right hand to stir your coffee? I use a spoon.

I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn that light was green.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quite while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

The only person who listens to both sides of the argument is the next door neighbor.

When my wife is hot I blow cool air on her shoulders. She likes it, but I'm not a fan.

When your muscles are sore, wrapping your leg in cabbage makes your leg smell like cabbage.

What does IDK stand for? I've asked a lot of people, but no one seems to know.

Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? Ask your doctor about Tequila.

I have a pretty big butt, so when I half-ass something you're still getting something pretty impressive.

I bought a box of those animal shaped biscuits, but I had to take them back. The seal was broken.

I set my clock ahead to prevent being late, but all it did was sharpen my subtraction skills.

In Athens, no one wakes up before noon. Dawn is tough on Greece.

Walmart has free chicken! But you have to walk around the store and eat it.

I changed my computer password to "Alcatraz" and now my Esc button won't work.

I bought one of those "smart light switches", but it was much too clever. So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.

My wife wants me to wear a bracelet that belonged to her grandfather. It says "Do Not Resuscitate."

I'm having an out of money experience.

They say wisdom comes with age. Therefore, I don't have wrinkles, I have wisecracks.

Gardening season is off to a great start. I planted myself in front of a TV four weeks ago and I've already grown noticeably.

Someone just threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt.

I had a quiet game of tennis today. It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

I passed gas at work the other day. Luckily my gossiping co-workers didn't get wind of it.

I thought he was my knight in shining armor. He turned out to be a loser wrapped in tin foil.

With the amount of hair I've lost over the years, I can now get a haircut over the phone.

I may be crazy, but at least I have each other.

I'm organizing a charity ball next week for people who can't achieve orgasm. Let me know if you can't come.

I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears.

People always say I don't know how to use sunscreen properly. Alright, there's no need to rub it in.

Why isn't sperm called porn syrup?

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.

I bought a book called A Guide To Surgical Procedures. I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush. There's no plaque.

I hate people who take drugs. Like cops, DEA, narcs.

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out, because I don't like visitors.

I told him I wanted to walk down the aisle. He sent me grocery shopping.

According to a box of macaroni and cheese, I'm a family of four.

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't. It just shits on the floor.

Some people like to put everyone into neat little boxes. We call those people undertakers.

I haven't exercised in so long, my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

I don't understand why we spend so much money on clothes to impress somebody we want to be naked with.

I released a new scent last week. The other people in the car didn't care much for it.

Since I gave up masturbating I just don't feel myself.

I saw two blind guys fighting. You should have seen the look on their faces when I said, "My money's on the one with the knife."

I understand how cars work, but airplanes are way over my head.

I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

I never know what to say when someone tells me they're pregnant, so I usually just say, "I like fucking too."

Just for fun, I call in sick to places I don't even work at.

I saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.

I'm getting over my procrastination issues, just you wait and see.

I can't afford a vacation, so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am.

I understand how cars work, but airplanes are way over my head.

The chill pill I took this morning appears to have been a placebo.

I'm staying home from work today. I have mood poisoning.

I rolled my eyes so hard, I checked out my own ass.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.

My superhero name would be Typoman, writer of wrongs.

I turned down a job where I would be paid in vegetables. The celery was unacceptable.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten, so you can choose.

My job is so top secret, even I don't know what I'm doing.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam documentary I've ever seen.

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu. You get what you deserve.

Have you ever noticed that some people talk louder when they drink? That's why alcohol content is listed by volume.

I accidentally went shopping on an empty stomach. I'm now the proud owner of aisle 5.

How do nudists clean their glasses?

I'm as single as a dollar and I'm not looking for change.

I accidentally used the dog's shampoo this morning and now I'm feeling like such a good girl.

I just flew back from a ravioli convention. Boyaredees arms tired.

My stomach has been acting up today. I'm going to send a pizza down to investigate.

How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

Did you hear about the blond who kept wondering why her brother had four sisters and she only had three?

Every week I give a percentage of my wages to Charity, and also other strippers.

I don't have a Dad Bod. I have a father figure.

I could stand at an angle of 45 degrees if I were so inclined.

If I win an award for laziness, will you pick it up for me?

If you sweat when putting gas in your car and feel sick when you pay for it, you've got the car-owners virus.

I never see the old man next door anymore, which is a shame because I want to tell him how great his milk bottle collection is.

Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's garage sale, then stand back and watch the reactions?

It's okay if you don't know what "prefix" means. It's not the end of the word.

People say that being a waiter is a terrible job. But hey, it puts food on the table.

I got fired from my job at the hospital for stealing neck braces, but at least I could leave with my head held high.

I saw a book called "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems", so I bought two.

Males bees die after mating. That's basically their life. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

I feel much more attractive at Wal-Mart than I do at the gym.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

Today I'm going to give it my some.

Do you ever wonder if Popeye's Chicken is soaked in Olive Oil?

I'm only sick on week days. I have a weekend immune system.

I don't understand how funeral homes can raise their prices and then blame it on the cost of living.

My dance style ranges from a White dad at a BBQ to a stripper whose rent is due in the morning.

I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

Math made simple: If you have $20 and your wife has $5, she has $25.

I'm no stranger to hard work. I've seen it done.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Some days are like toilet paper. You think you're on a roll, then the crap starts.

You can't make a man treat you right, but you can make him wish he did.

When life closes one door... open it again. That's how doors work.

Stupidity knows no bounds, but it sure knows a lot of people.

Why do socks and underwear come in re-sealable bags, but potato chips don't?

If you don't use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car, we must be in a totally different tax bracket.

I don't let my age define me, but the side effects are getting hard to ignore.

I couldn't afford a DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery and found out who my relatives are.

I don't hold grudges. I remember facts.

I used to say I had a nine inch penis, but that was really stretching it.

People are prisoners to their phones. That's why they're called cell phones.

I don't watch soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody try to score for 90 minutes I'd take my friends out to a bar.

If you watch Jaws backwards it's a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

I bought an alarm clock that swears at you in the morning. Talk about a rude awakening!

I'm writing a book about all of the things I should be doing with my life. It's an oughta-biography.

I've recently found that people nowadays don't like to hold hands in public. Especially if you don't know them.

I just did a couple of laps around the gym. Perhaps next time I'll park the car and actually go in.

You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out of.

Some people like to boast about their sexual conquests, but virgins remain tight lipped.

Big shoes mean a big penis. I wonder what clown said that.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I'm awake.

Apparently it's only appropriate to say, "Look at you! You're getting so big!" to children. Adults tend to get offended.

When I said I was normal I may have exaggerated slightly.

I don't always hear how my family is doing, but when I do it's usually on a police scanner.

Fun fact: The average human body contains enough bones to make an entire skeleton.

I'm broke, but not like poor broke. I'm a classy type of broke. I'm baroque.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I'd go with "Doesn't follow instructions."

Everything happens for a reason. Usually the reason is some idiot.

If you don't stay out of my business I'm going to have to send you a tax receipt.

Turns out, an at-home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift.

We've hired a proof reader for this website. We think he's well worth the monkey.

My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes. It Taurus apart.

I'm so tired, I think I might have that Chinese disease called Dragon Ass.

Remember: Having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory alive. I wish you all a great 2016.

Waffles are just pancakes that are ribbed for your pleasure.

The only B.S. I need in my life is breakfast and sex.

You know what makes me smile? Face muscles.

Have you heard of the new music group, Cellophane? They're mostly wrap.

Marriage is what happens when dating goes too far.

In England they drive on the left. Over here we drive on what's left.

Do you believe in love at first site, or should I walk by again?

I want to be buried with all of my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

It's been months since I bought the book, How To Scam People On Line. It still hasn't arrived yet.

Orgasms are like cooking. I could do it myself, but I prefer someone else doing it for me.

I tried to say no to vodka, but it's 40% stronger than me.

I'm not fat. I'm just so sexy it overflows.

I don't mess with people with no profile picture. If you're scared of your own face, so am I.

My diet is not going well. My wife asked me what kind of eggs I wanted for breakfast. I said, "Cadbury."

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

My whole life feels like a test I didn't study for.

A charity worker came to my front door, collecting for a homeless shelter. So, I gave him a cardboard box.

The thing about getting older is your eyesight starts getting weaker, but your ability to see through people gets much better.

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward time, just to see if it was all worth it in the end.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right and exercise. But that was four hours ago, when I was young and full of hope.

If I told you I work for UPS, would you let me handle your package?

When someone recommends a book to me and says, "It's a page turner!" I say, "Yeah, I know how books work."

There's nothing better than finding ten dollars in the pocket of an old pair of jeans. Especially if the wearer doesn't notice you taking it.

I love it when a woman says those words that mean she's up for sex that night. "This drink tastes funny."

I am now "Take a picture of labels with my phone so I can blow it up bigger," years old.

Sprinkles are for cupcakes, not for toilet seats.

It's hotter than a hooker's doorknob on nickel night.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me next Thursday.

How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic, candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner?

As a young child, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out this called identity theft.

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could come in and look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so rude sometimes.

If you're thinking what I'm thinking... you need professional help.

I was so drunk last night, I got hit by a parked car.

I own 51% of a company that hunts vampires. I'm the major stake holder.

There's a new support group for compulsive talkers. It's called On Anon.

When I said I like it rough I meant the sex, not the whole relationship.

Everyone at the John Lennon Airport has been quarantined. Imagine... all the people.

If you have a red wine stain on your carpet, get some white wine and drink it until you don't care anymore.

My new SUV has a button on the dashboard that I'm afraid to push. It says "Rear Wiper".

It's so cold out, I just farted snowflakes.

COVID paranoia has reached a new level. I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus program started a scan on its own.

I just saw three people jogging outside, and it inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

The scariest hood I've ever been through is parenthood.

Everyone is complaining about people still having their Christmas tree up. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, that means that no one else wanted them, so set them free again.

I'm not very good at push ups or pull ups, but screw ups, that's where I shine.

I love putting on warm underwear, fresh out of the dryer. Plus, it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Has anyone else used WD 40 to get rid of mice? It doesn't kill them, but it does stop them from squeaking.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.

We had a contest to find the best neckwear. It was a tie.

When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

I don't have tattoos for the same reason you don't put bumper stickers on a Ferrarri.

I used to play the triangle in the school band, but I quit. It was just one ting after another.

I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.

I'm as tired as a vibrator in an all women's prison.

My dad showed me a thirty minute Power Point presentation on why you should always wear a condom during sex. All the slides were just pictures of me.

I went to see Dr. Hook in the '70s. It was the worst prostate exam I ever had.

I was going to throw in the towel, but then I remembered how much laundry I already have.

Say what you want about women, but I think turning one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.

I think I need to lose a little weight. I tried to sit up in bed this morning and ended up rocking myself back to sleep.

I found a diet plan that really works. It's called the price of food!

Men who say that women belong in the kitchen apparently have no idea what to do with them in the bedroom.

Did you ever notice that there are no recipes for leftover chocolate?

I made my coffee this morning with Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

The word of the day is Airgasm: The intense pleasure from the air on your face when you remove your mask.

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag of M&Ms on the floor. It was the best game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen.

My diet has failed. I shall now concentrate on growing taller.

I got the results of my prostate exam back. Two thumbs up!

I did a little mechanical work today. I put a rear end into a recliner.

Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

They say you can't find happiness at the bottom of a bottle. Well no kidding... Who's happy with an empty bottle?

I wish I could lose weight as fast as I lose the motivation to lose weight.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It functions 24 hours a day from the day you were born, and only stops when you take an exam or fall in love.

I'm not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

I'm never quite sure if I actually have free time or if I'm just forgetting something.

For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around the Wendy's parking lot.

Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms. Nobody came.

Ladies, if you think your man is cheating, take him to the bitch's door and see if her wifi connects.

I made a COVID mask out of my underwear. It worked briefly.

I avoid things that make me fat, like mirrors, scales and photographs.

I've been to the dentist several times. I know the drill.

I just bought some condoms and the cashier asked if I needed a bag. I said, "No, she's not that ugly."

A policeman came to my door today to ask where I was between five and six. I told him, "Kindergarten."

It's not easy being a mother. If it was, fathers could do it.

My wife bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday. I couldn't find the words to thank her.

I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth. She was down to the final four.

Does it bother anybody that 2021 is pronounced 2020 won?

The number one cause of dry skin is towels.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!

It's too bad I don't keep a swear jar. If I did it could finance the space program.

I got a telemarketer who said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press one for English.

The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey. Also, I've started calling myself The Doctor.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I tried drag racing the other day. It's murder trying to run in heels.

To all those athletes who think we're listening to them: "If I wanted advice from somebody who chases a ball, I'd ask my dog."

I sued the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

What do you call it when someone gets fired from Apple? An Apple turnover.

I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

My kids keep laughing about my memory. They won't be laughing on Christmas morning when there's no eggs under the tree.

The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way," has a 0% success rate.

My wife asked me to help her with the vacuuming, so I lifted my feet.

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Then there's that awkward moment when your kid's school recommends special ed, and you've been doing their homework.

I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.

I'm developing a new fragrance for social distancing. It's called "Leave Me The Fuh Cologne."

After my car broke down, I saw a billboard that said, "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-1234." So I called. A Mexican with a tow truck showed up.

Family are like mosquitoes; annoying, but they carry your blood.

I was sitting, drinking coffee in my slippers this morning when I thought, "I really need to wash some cups."

I felt like a real gentleman when I opened the door for my mother-in-law. Mind you, I was going 60 mph at the time.

Women never apologize. They just sleep naked and let you decide if you're still mad or not.

I'm not saying that I'm addicted to caffeine, but my birth stone is a coffee bean.

Unless your kid's fund raiser is selling whisky, I'm not really interested.

It's a little known fact that cow farts come from the dairy air.

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry? 58.

Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they're a solid number two.

I asked a friend for a newspaper. He told me to get with the times and handed me his iPod. That fly never saw it coming.

I went to a dance. First they played "Jump", so I jumped. Then they played "The Twist", so I twisted. Then they played "Come On Eileen", and that's when I got kicked out.

My dentist has lots of posters of teeth and gums in his office. Luckily my gynecologist hasn't really decorated hers.

Be extra careful on the roads around Christmas. A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

I like to think I'll die a heroic death, but I'm more likely to trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar stays until she apologizes.

For my last birthday I celebrated with a couple of adult beverages; Metamucil and Ensure.

Instead of a condom, I keep a moist towelette in my wallet because I run into buffalo wings a lot more often than I do sex.

If Wednesday is "Hump Day", does that make Tuesday "Foreplay Day"?

I went dancing last night. Well, it was actually a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.

How is it that you can sue Walmart if you fall, McDonald's if you get fat, but not Budweiser for all the ugly people you've slept with?

Parenting without s sense of humor is like being an accountant who is bad a math.

I'll start drinking responsibly when they start making a beer called Responsibly.

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. That should spice up my autobiography.

I sat in my hairdresser's chair and said, "Make me look sexy." She started drinking.

The closest I'll ever get to twerking is trying to fit my ass into last year's jeans.

I'm only mean to people who deserve it. I guess you could call me a bitchilante.

When I was young I was very poor. But after years of hard work, I'm no longer young.

I got kicked out of the hospital today. Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" means something completely different than I assumed.

You know you're getting old when you have a hole between your boobs. It's called a belly button.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both lefts. On one hand it's great, but on the other it's just not right.

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If interested, let me know and I'll jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but I realized I only have a croc pot.

It turns out that the answers to my problems didn't lie at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is I tried.

This year went by so fast that I didn't get a chance to lose weight.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the Home button but I'm still at work.

I need that kind of coffee that's so strong, when I take a sip my ancestors wake up.

I don't understand stupid people. Maybe I should take one apart to see how they work.

I prefer sex with the lights off. That way it won't drain the car battery.

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within four inches. Note to self: Do not carry them in your back pocket.

I have mixed drinks about feelings.

I changed all of my passwords to Kenny. Now I have Kenny Loggins.

My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate, then burn them. Done, but I don't know what to do with the letters.

I decided to try magnetic lashes, now my eyelid is stuck to the fridge. Please send help.

If you eat cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking.

A bunch of crows is called a murder. A bunch of kids is called a migraine.

The hardest part of making skim milk must be throwing the cows across the lake.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my fourteen day diet in just three hours and twelve minutes.

A photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people being photographed did try to warn him.

Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found himalayan on the road.

If gas prices keep going up it will be cheaper just to buy cocaine and run everywhere.

A baby can drink from a bottle and fall asleep and everybody says it's cute. But as soon as I do it I'm an alcoholic.

My wife just called me a sex machine. Well, her actual words were, "You're a fucking tool!", but I knew what she meant.

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

I'm pretty sure my dream job would be a Karma delivery person.

You know you're getting older when you start noticing little gray hairs in your children's hair.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I used to subscribe to a magazine for people with spinal problems. I don't any more, but I've still got the back issues.

I'm always in control. I run a tight shipwreck.

They say that women are the needy ones... but you don't hear about anyone mail ordering husbands.

I hate it when I gain ten pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

In case no one has told you today, I'm beautiful.

I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on just one.

Today a clown held the door for me. What a nice jester.

When I was little my mom used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming I loved it. I didn't really. She was just putting words in my mouth.

Imagine how much noise a centipede would make if it wore flip flops.

If a dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would it be okay or would you have mixed fillings?

This is diarrhea awareness week. Runs 'til Friday.

I traced my family tree. It grows mostly nuts.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different story.

I entered a contest to find the most considerate lover. I came second.

I told myself I should stop drinking, but I'm not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like, that's why I'm here.

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsite.

As I sit here reflecting on life and all the people I've lost, I think to myself, "Maybe tour guide wasn't the job for me."

The first thing I look at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front is not my fault.

The guy at the furniture store told me that the sofa would seat five people without any problems. I don't even know five people without any problems.

A huge stack of toilet paper fell on me at the grocery store. I'm okay though. Just some soft tissue damage.

I've got a bigger penis than 50% of all porn stars, because they're women.

Not to brag or anything, but I have one of those metabolisms where I can eat anything I want and still get fat.

People write "Congrats" because they can't spell "Congrajlashins".

Sometimes God sends your ex back into your life to see if you're still stupid.

When a chameleon can't change its colors anymore, is that called a reptile dysfunction?

Every woman has a bit of Marilyn inside her. You just have to find out if it's Monroe or Manson.

My wife complains that I never buy her jewelry. In my defence, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. When I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

Spilling wine is the adult equivalent of losing your balloon.

Push up bras are like a bag of potato chips. Once you open it, there's less than you expected.

I've been sober for 43 days. Not in a row or anything, just in total.

If you were wondering about my culinary skills, I've been asked to bring paper towels to our family gatherings.

Men are like cars. They pull out before they check to see if someone else is coming.

If you like to listen to music while having sex, always choose a live album. That way you'll hear a round of applause every three or four minutes.

Men might wear the pants, but women control the zipper.

If you line up all of your exes in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

Someone offered me some grapes, but I declined. I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form.

Instead of "single" as a status, I prefer "independently owned and operated."

I love kitchen sex because it's probably my only chance to get laid on an island.

I went to a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I hate it when I'm checking Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off the windshield.

I got a new stick deodorant today. It says "remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Although my girlfriend is addicted to Meth, she is still so beautiful. Those eyes, those lips, that tooth.

Telling a man you already have a man won't stop them from hitting on you, but if you say you used to be a man...

I ate too much salad on the weekend, so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That's ridiculous. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

My kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas. Normally I do a turkey, but hey, if it makes them happy...

I bought a Jack-In-The-Box off E-Bay and it doesn't work. Why am I not surprised?

I visited a Doritos farm today. What a cool ranch!

My wife says I talk in my sleep, but no one at work has ever mentioned it.

Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing.

They're having a bad posture contest at work. I have a hunch I might win.

The bartender said, "I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?" I said, "Why would I want two empty glasses?"

I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind person, which is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom! The house is gone.

Promises are like babies. They're fun to make, but hard to deliver.

Redneck word of the day: Budweiser. "She has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?"

I tried to log in on my i-pad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch. I don't even own an i-pad. Also, I'm out of wine.

How to tell someone their breath stinks without hurting their feelings: "I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth."

I had a wonderful date last night. Tonight I'm going to try a fig.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

Never play tennis with a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket.

After winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently that's not acceptable in bowling.

If I had a dollar for every time that algebra helped me, I'd have x dollars.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

I hate it when someone accuses me of not caring about whatever the hell it was they were talking about.

If your wife starts a sentence with, "I just find it funny how..." there's a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction. All I can think about is winning her back.

I saw a very attractive woman spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground. So I threw my fries on the ground.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's this morning. His mom was furious.

I drank so much tequila last night I woke up speaking Spanish.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

The designer of the ballet skirt was stumped for a name until he put tu and tu together.

It was so hot today, I saw a robin wearing oven mitts to pick up worms.

I bought some slippers with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.

I'm addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers. I've tried to stop, but I just can't quit cold turkey.

It was so hot today that I took off all of my clothes and sat by the window. The other people on the bus weren't pleased.

Don't worry about your smart phone and your TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

I went to a bar last night and some chick got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated subject, I suck at darts.

Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc. Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee.

I've heard that the government wants to put chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. I know she'll come crawling back to me.

I asked a lady if I could touch her hair. She said yes, so I ran my finger across her top lip. That's how the fight started.

I would be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else.

Give a man a fish, and apparently you're a really bad secret Santa.

Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged thing at a thrift store that doesn't smell.

My doctor told me my sugar is too high, so I came home and put it on a lower shelf.

I was in a porn film once, but you might not have noticed me. I only had a small part.

Never coax an old drummer out of retirement or there will be repercussions.

When one door closes another one opens. Other than that, it's a pretty good car.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be like, "Why am always getting these nickels?"

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid, because no one could ever find it.

69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.

I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos, but it's hard... so hard.

I got a great deal on a wig today, only ten bucks. It was a small price toupee.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.

The number of people that confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And a woman's got to do what he can't.

I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.

If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

Do you know why they call them "heated seats"? Because "rear defroster" was already taken.

If you mix poison ivy with a four leaf clover do you get a rash of good luck?

I just found out that there's no popcorn in popcorn shrimp. I guess there's no point in trying pot roast.

It turns out that when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

If they let prisoners take their own mug shots, would they be called cellfies?

I went to a psychic. I knocked on her door. She yelled, "Who is it?". So I left.

At my house, cleaning is just putting things in a less obvious place.

I got gas today for $1.29. Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter. It's pretty nuts.

I need a senior's GPS, not just to tell me how to get there, but also to remind me why I wanted to go there.

I'm so old, I went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I saw a man today with no chin. All I could think was, "How does he put on pillow cases?"

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.

I've found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It's just collecting dust.

I told my doctor I was addicted to Twitter. He said, "Sorry, I'm not following you."

During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.

What a strange day it's been. First I found a hat full of money, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

I've always wondered what the job application is like for Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."?

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.

Knowledge is like underwear. It's useful to have, but not necessary to show it off.

I think people have been talking about my paranoia.

I can't remember how to write, 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals. IM LIVID.

I looked up my symptoms online and it turns out I just have kids.

My whole life I thought that air was free... until I bought a bag of chips.

A zoo opened with just one dog in it. It's a Shihtzu.

The definition of irony is getting pregnant on a pull-out couch.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning coming from my bedroom, that was just me trying to stand up.

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because it's hard to have fun when you might shit your pants.

Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when a farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

The first time I had sex I enjoyed it so much that I kept the receipt.

No one thinks I'm old until they hear me stand up.

I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!

If you're in your forties it's time to leave those young girls alone and get a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.

I always wanted to lay naked on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace. Apparently Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside.

Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people who live here that I haven't met yet.

I lost my best friend in an accident. His finger got caught in a wedding ring.

Why did the blind man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them. The Police call it indecent exposure, but whatever.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor.

Someone called my wife a pig last night. I said, "Don't listen to him, Babe."

It was so windy when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the liquor store.

I had a really bad day. First, my ex got ran over by a bus. Then, I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

According to my neighbor's private journal, I have "boundary issues."

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I made my bride's dreams come true when we were married in a castle. But you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

I've reached the point in my life called "snapdragon." What used to snap is now draggin'.

You know you're old when you go to bed at the same time you used to go out.

When I see lover's names carved into a tree I wonder why anyone would bring a knife on a date.

I break out in a rash every time my boss hands me my paycheck. It turns out I'm allergic to peanuts.

I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on the triangle disappeared.

Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?

My favorite color is green. I like it better than blue and yellow combined.

You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.

To turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed, simply forget your wife's birthday.

My neighbor with the big boobs was gardening topless again today. I sure wish his wife would do the same.

Did you realize that if you sit on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight, it's the same shit, different day?

I was gonna buy an iPad but couldn't afford it, so I bought an iPatch instead. It's the pirate version

You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, "In 400 feet, stop and let me out."

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted... I wish I had a puppy.

I've started to do cross-fit. I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit.

I'm addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell. I just love foreign axe scents.

If you can't think of a word, say "I can't remember the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

A big nose is no excuse not to wear a mask. I mean, I still wear underwear.

I finally achieved my dream of having a night of passion with a cougar and that's why I'm now banned from the zoo.

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

Have you ever noticed that underwear is a lot like nail polish. They both come off easily with a little alcohol.

I was so drunk last night, the police pulled somebody over on TV and I hid my beer under the sofa.

I met my wife at a singles dance. Well actually, she danced, I gave her singles.

Do you know why you can't hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything.

If I had 50 cents for every math exam I ever failed, I'd have $8.40.

Don't blame others for the road you're on. It's your own asphalt.

An alcoholic tried to become a lawyer, but he couldn't pass the bar.

I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

I bought the wife a Pug dog the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

I don't think I've ever cleaned my bathroom mirror, which is something that reflects very badly on me.

I knew the psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check.

I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.

I'm waiting for a new movie called Constipated. It hasn't come out yet.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen... I can feel it.

My poker playing friend has a new prosthetic arm. He's having a hard time dealing with it.

I saw a baguette at the zoo. It was bread in captivity.

I got a job working in a 24 hour chess factory. I'm on knights this week.

Yesterday I put a deposit on a new bed. Shortly afterward I was asked to leave Ikea.

I met Neil Armstrong once. He was surprisingly down to earth.

Procrastination is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow plus you have nothing to do today.

A cure for premature ejaculation can't come soon enough.

I sleep better naked. Why can't flight attendants understand that?

I just bought a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.

My mom said it's wrong to shoplift, but I'm not buying it.

When baking dog biscuits, be sure to use collie flour.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. I'm now at the hospital, waiting to be seen.

Knowing how to pick locks has opened up a lot of doors for me.

Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays, but in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.

I told my wife it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps, but all I got was icy stares.

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the vodka inside. It seems to help.

My urologist is pleased with my test results. He's my number one fan.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Remember, it's "i before e", except when your foreign neighbor, Keith, receives eight counterfeit, beige sleighs from a feisty, weight lifter.

Thanks for teaching me the meaning of plethora. It means a lot.

My favorite color is purple. I like it better than blue and red combined.

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starters pistol.

Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasteurize before you see it.

I scraped my elbow while digging for gold. It was a miner injury.

I shot my first turkey today. I scared the crap out of everybody in the frozen food aisle.

Last week I visited a Doritos farm. What a cool ranch!

Dart boards on the ceiling are disgusting. They make me throw up.

I have a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

I shot a man with a paint ball gun just to watch him dye.

Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.

The other day my wife told me that sex is better on holiday. It wasn't the best postcard I've ever received.

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low Ha?

Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great.

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money.

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper is jammin' again.

I once knew a woman that owned a taser. Man, she was stunning. She wasn't just cute, she was electrocute.

The invention of the shovel was ground breaking, but the invention of the broom was the one that swept the nation.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

The fact that Hooters hasn't launched a home delivery service called Knockers seems like a missed business opportunity to me.

I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

The invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.

I'm right 98% of the time. The other 3% is when I do math.

I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I'll buy one ply toilet paper at the dollar store.

A janitor asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with him. I declined. I can't deal with high maintenance people.

Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. Will there be an express lane for people with twelve teeth or less?

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself, "I'm going to get thrown out of Ikea any minute."

I went to a bar last night dressed as a tennis ball. I got served right away.

If anyone has an idea about how to fix my condensation problem, please drop around. The kettle's always on.

An escaped prisoner was caught camping in the woods. It was a clear case of criminal in tent.

If clothes make the man, why do naked people have so much influence on society?

I have a poor knowledge of Greek mythology. It's always been my Achilles elbow.

I should have known my partner was secretly into bull fighting. There were red flags everywhere.

We were so poor growing up, we ate ordinary K for breakfast.

My friend composes ditties about sewing machines. She's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs.

My recliner and I go way back.

I was kidnapped by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.

I didn't mean to push all of your buttons. I was just looking for Mute.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

The news that I was color blind came completely out of the green.

I was never a fan of organ donation, but then I had a change of heart.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor.

I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation group, so I just came in my pants.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployment, but none of them work.

I didn't think that orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

A friend said he didn't understand cloning. I said, "That makes two of us."

We had a contest at work for the best neckwear. It was a tie.

People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Does anyone know if it's safe to dye your pubes? It's a bit of a grey area.

My mom carried on working as a librarian when she was pregnant with me. Unfortunately I was three weeks overdue and it cost her $20.

I know a girl who says she once gave a hand job to Albert Einstein. What a stroke of genius!

I remember the time I lost my thesaurus. I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.

The hardest part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows across the lake.

I took a pole recently and 100% were annoyed that their tent had fallen down.

I don't want to retire, I just want a six month vacation twice a year.

My grief councilor died recently, but luckily he was so good that I don't give a shit.

All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. The problems is, after a few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

Some folks remind me of an old TV set. You have to hit them a few times before they get the picture.

I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time.

My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.

I'm more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

I thought growing old would take longer.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants... Feefiphobia.

I went to a paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

I'm fat, but I identify as skinny. I'm trans-slender.

My friends offered to buy me a coffin. Thanks. That's the last thing I need.

I'm so old I don't have a doctor. I have an archaeologist.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

I've just watched a documentary on marijuana. Personally I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

If you're experiencing joint pain, you're probably holding the lit end.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Taking a dog named "shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

Opinions are like orgasms. Mine is more important and I really don't care if you have one.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off of my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

So it's i before e except after c? Man, that's weird.

There are two reasons I don't trust people. 1 - I don't know them. 2 - I know them.

It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you. It's like the trash took itself out.

I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to come home from work tomorrow.

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they've never even seen one of his paintings.

I just sold my homing pigeon on ebay for the 22nd time.

My winter fat is finally gone. Now I have spring rolls.

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but it's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale. $1. Volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself, that's a little condescending.

I'm looking after my blacksmith's dog. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

The first rule of cleaning while listening to music is the toilet brush is never the microphone.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

The benefits of Origami are two fold.

Exit signs are on the way out.

Did you ever get halfway though eating a horse and think, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there is a good chance they'll see you later.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Last week a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Today my son asked me how I know that everyone driving is named Dick.

Is an argument between to vegans still called a beef?

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.

I considered being a stay-at-home mom until I realized the kids would be there.

Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.

I've asked more than 100 women what type of soap they prefer in the shower. The most common answer is, "How the hell did you get in here?"

My friend David lost his ID. Now we just call him Dav.

You can tell an ant's gender by putting it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

I was so bored I spent an hour crushing cans. It was soda pressing.

My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. I'm worried shitless.

I overdosed on Viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.

I was going to start my diet next week, but I've got too much on my plate.

I had a grandfather who would never throw anything away. He died in the war, hanging on to a hand grenade.

I once had a job doing filing for the Mafia. I was involved in very organized crime.

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me, until I fell into a printing press.

When I saw my first strands of grey hair I thought I'd dye.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realized I had made it home safely.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday. So I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Boobs are like kids toys. They are fun to play with, but they eventually end up in the mouth.

I like my women like I like my glasses... sitting on my face.

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I'm your sister-in-law."

True love is when two people lower their standards just the right amount.

If you keep following your dreams they're going to file a restraining order.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

Whoever invented "Knock-Knock" jokes should get a no-bell prize.

News Flash: Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I put my Grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Auto correct has become my worst enema.

Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, I'm glad it's the yawn.

The fastest way to quit being vegan is cold turkey.

I've always been afraid of gardening, but I decided to grow a pear.

If you have scurvy, you should hope life hands you lemons.

I knew the moment I slapped a statue on the ass I had hit rock bottom.

What women know as a front closing bra, men will know as a front opening bra.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, and spat and swore at anyone who came near him. After that we never played Monopoly again.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

My family is making me fat. I should stop eating them.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realized I had made it home safely.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

My wife's mad at me again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.

The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband's voice right.

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.

My father invented the side car mirror. I won't get any royalties because we're not as close as we appear.

I was really bad at math in school. I can't count how many times I failed it.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Don.

My husband lets me do all the shopping I can hide.

I handle stress like a dog. I just piss and walk away.

Some call it bitching. I call it motivational speaking.

If you ever feel powerless, just remember that just a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything."

Of course you can go to a 50 cent concert. Here's a dollar. Take your brother.

I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I can't find my friend Marco. Every time I call him some jerk hollers "Polo!"

Of course I believe in fitness. Right now I'm fittin' this pizza in my mouth.

Don't worry about old age. It doesn't last that long.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to reduce this belly.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

I will be the last person to die in my lifetime.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Visa.

A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the ear rings I wore in high school.

Our marriage is like a workshop. I work and my wife shops.

Dealing with stupid people is like playing soccer. You can use your head, but a swift kick is more effective.

Cleavage is like the Sun. You can glance at it for only a second, but if you wear sunglasses, you can look much longer.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

Marriage is like a phone call in the middle of the night. First comes the ring, then you wake up.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I am afraid it's closed.

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they're not it.

I want my children to have all things I couldn't afford: Then I'll move in with them.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Don't you wish your life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook?

Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.

You're damn right I'm good in bed. I can stay there all day.

There was an earthquake in Washington DC this morning. It's obviously the government's fault.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night."

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Life is like a penis. Soft and hanging freely. It's women that make it hard.

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my penis.

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods overseas. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

I told my doctor I had fluid on my knee. He said "You're not aiming straight."

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.

A 400 pound woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

This just in: Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

Dear women who are awesome, smart, sexy and deeply in love with me; Please start existing.

My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.

I once won an argument with a woman... in this dream I had.

My sex life is like a Ferrari. I don't have a Ferrari.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he'll fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months.

When I was a kid, my fairy Godmother asked me if I wanted a long memory or long penis. I forget my response.

When I was a kid, my dad used to beat me with a camera. I still have flashbacks.

So what if you can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

I was raised by my father. My mother left before I was born.

I farted on an elevator today, which was wrong on so many levels.

My high school marching band was so small, they formed a period.

I have a thing for blondes. Wanna see it?

Apple has scrapped plans for a new children's iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good name.

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

They put a new machine in at my gym that provides all my needs. KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers.

My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.

The best thing about the good old days is I wasn't good and I wasn't old.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a Fruit Salad

The Evening News is where they begin with 'Good Evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember, the Fire Department usually uses water!

Hospitality is the art of making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were

The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Screw that" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says "how do you know?" He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not listening."

A hangover is just your body's way of saying "I told you to stay drunk!"

The reason a dog is man's best friend is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

My wife says when we married, I saved her from a life of prosperity.

I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit!

A girl with a lisp asked me if I wanted to join her in a song. Now I need a lawyer.

My brother is so dumb, he nearly strangled himself with a cordless phone.

My girlfriend is so stupid, she thought an innuendo was an Italian suppository.

My wife is mad at me again. She sent me out for some feminine napkins. I came home with a package of Swiffer refills.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you're not into oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

I'm happier than Michael Jackson at a Harry Potter book signing.

I'm as confused as a mosquito in a manequin factory.

You know what I hate? Indian wait, I take that back.

We Capricorns don't believe in horoscopes.

35% of all statistics are made up.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Excuses are like ass-holes. Everyone's got 'em and they all stink.

No one dies a virgin, life screws us all.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy? A family reunion.

A teacher is a person who used to think he liked children.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled...

Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first.

Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make it stand up straight.

I have amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!

If at first you don't succeed... you're doing about average.

My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.

Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.

The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped.

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Sex burns up 350 calories each time. Please help me, I'm on a diet.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

Rented cars are the only true "all terrain vehicle".

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

The secret to getting rid of unwanted pubic hair is to spit.

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

It is better to light just one candle...than to clean the whole apartment.

Not only did my ex-wife drive me crazy, she made me pay for the gas.

Some women are terribly hard to please...the rest are impossible!

At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I think if I ever have a kid, it's gonna be cordless.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

My wife is so skinny, she can tread water in a garden hose.

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.

Legalize maru...mawa...moua...mawo...ummm...Pot.

They say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who rested to death?

My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

Men are like roses. Watch out for the pricks.

Practice makes perfect...but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

Do you ever get the feeling that your stuff has strutted without you?

Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Before you open your mouth to speak, make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

There is nothing wrong with California that the San Andreas fault cannot cure.

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Love is like a rash. It only feels good if you get to scratch it.

I'm an expert at multitasking. I can cheat on six diets at the same time.

Ladies, when you're climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress.

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.

I've cured myself of smoking in bed. I bought a water bed and filled it with gasoline.

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

Why is it, when you're rich, it's "eccentric"; when you're poor, it's just strange.

Are the "good things that come to those who wait" really just leftovers from people who got there first?

Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.

If the minimum wage wasn't acceptable, it wouldn't be called the minimum.

If you can remain calm at my job, you just don't have all the facts.

My sister is so ugly, she could make Ray Charles flinch.

I'm a procrastinator. I didn't get my birthmark until I was eight years old.

My sister is so fat, she could jump up in the air and get stuck

It would save me a lot of time if my supermarket had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap".

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.

Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

Despite the saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!

The only way to have safe sex is to abstain... from drinking.

Senior Moments are like vitamins; everyone gets one a day.

The real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women.

My wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver.

I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.

Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which is a lot cheaper.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

I responded to my girlfriend's marriage proposal by saying, "You're What?!"

Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.

I started seeing a therapist. She didn't know I was seeing her. That was kinda fun.

Some girls don't just choose a boyfriend, they pick pieces.

Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.

Love is like a machine...sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.

Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

To err is human...and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If you're in hell with someone, and you're still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?

Men must have invented maps. Who else would make an inch into a mile?

There are more men than women in mental hospitals...which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

My wife is so bored with sex, she only moans during commercial breaks.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.

Sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Boy am I tired. On the way in here, I felt something touching my heels. It was my ass.

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

He told me he could eat a 32 ounce steak, but I found that hard to swallow.

When we went to Las Vegas, I told my wife I wanted to gamble, but she said No Dice.

My penmanship is nothing to write home about.

At rifle competitions, the best team always wins by a long shot.

As I was wheeled into the operating room, I was begining to have a change of heart.

Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away

A clean house indicates that there is a broken computer in it.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

There are no new sins ... the old ones are just get more publicity.

I couldn't decide which of two physicians to see. It was a paradox.

It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

You ever notice that the word 'engaged' has the word 'gag' in the middle of it?

Are golf balls as painful as athlete's foot?

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life...provided we get cable tv.

I think I've got furniture disease... that's when your chest falls into your drawers.

After the first of the year, I will start using my Muslim name...Seldom Bin Laid.

Be naughty next year. Save Santa the trip.

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry?

I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."

Live every day as if it were your last, because some day you'll be right

I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes jobs, he still ends up with the same boss.

I'm so lonely, my own tongue is starting to feel good in my mouth.

A young hooker uses Vaseline to get it old one uses PolyGrip to keep it in.

Being miserable because of a former relationship means that the other person was right about you.

No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

It is no longer politically correct to say "Lesbian". They are now called "Vagitarians".

Every man should marry. After all, happiness isn't the only thing in life.

Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

Cell phones are also the only thing about which men sit around and brag who's got the smallest.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

Did you ask me to "hold on"? Ok, but my Mom says it's a dirty habit.

They say that love is the answer, but sex raises some pretty good questions.

I tried to go see a pirate movie, but they wouldn't let me in. It was rated arrrrrr!

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

How am I? If I were any better, I'd be twins.

I must be getting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.

My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.

Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

Drinking makes me see double and feel single.

I don't really like cocaine...I just like the way it smells.

I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.

How important does a man have to be before he's considered assassinated instead of just murdered ?

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

Scientists have discovered a food that lowers a woman's sex drive by 90 cake.

There are only two times when I drink...when I'm alone or when I'm with someone.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Making love is great, but sometimes don't you just wanna get laid?

The survival of the fittest is going to make some guy awful lonesome some day.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on.

How many roads must a man travel down...before he admits he is lost.

Young men may exaggerate, but old men pretend.

I just found out that I'm going to be a will I ever tell my wife?

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

My wife is mad at me. I told her she had a run in her nylons, but she wasn't wearing any.

When I was a kid, I had so many pimples, blind people would try to read my face.

My complexion is so bad, I look like the goalie for a dart team.

College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Never get into fist fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Profanity is the crutch of inarticulate @ss holes.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

'Tis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't defrost.

My brother is so stupid, he took Viagra so he could join Up With People.

Take the mystery out of driving....use your turn signal.

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

In poker, a good deal depends on a good deal.

A golf course is a site to be holed.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Love is complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm not a complete idiot - parts of me are missing.

Don't worry about what people think of you, they don't do it very often.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

Visa is everywhere you want to be...except out of debt.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.

One woman's hobby may be another woman's hubby.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

It's scary when, in the morning, you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

My wife says my lovemaking is like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.

Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

When I was young we used to go skinny dipping. Nowadays I just chunky dunk.

You say you want oral sex? Sure. Go home and phone me.

There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

I must be getting old. About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

I was living life in the fast lane...then I married a speed bump.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

Remember it's "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

The toughest thing in business is minding your own.

It's hard to be fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both.

I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat 'til the wrinkles fill out.

I may be getting older, but I've still got it. But lately, nobody wants to see it.

I respect the truth too much to drag it out on every occasion.

Why are they called tamp-ons and not tamp-ins?

If men are so competent, how come you always see signs reading DANGER - MEN WORKING ?

Today's program is brought to you by Oil of Olay, the favorite oil of Spanish bull fighters.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty are "XL".

Show me Miss Piggy's laundry and I'll show you a lot of hogwash.

My uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service.

I've got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date.

If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Men don't know the meaning of fear. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F

Those small bumps around a womans' nipples is Braille for "suck here".

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

She's so fat, she'd have to lose 40 pounds just to go skinny dipping.

The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

Remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll? I think it was called 'Rumpled Foreskin'

Seek and you shall be disappointed.

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I'm not saying she's fat, but when I pulled her pants down to her knees, her ass was still in them

When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.

When I die, bury me on my stomach and let the world kiss my ass.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

I'm not saying that I'm losing my sex drive, but at my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

I have a lot of issues with sex... mostly Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.

Bad breath is better than no breath at all.

Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.

Marriage is a mutual relationship as long as both parties know when to be mute.

Guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

Nothing written in fine print is ever good news.

I'm so horny, I get aroused when I squeeze into a tight parking place.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.

Abandoning my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on How To?

Some do Jenny Craig, Some do Richard Simmons, I do Sara Lee.

I've reached the age where "happy hour" is a nap.

Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends?

So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need is a partner.

I may be a bitch, but I am the pick of the litter.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

I bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only 8 minutes.

If having sex is like riding a bike, I must own a uni-cycle.

Even on the most exalted throne, you are still sitting on nothing but your ass.

It's easy to find "Orgasm" in the dictionary. It's between Foreplay and Snoring.

You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

I don't know how to fry toilet paper, but I can brown it on one side.

I'd be rich if I could invent a pop-top beer can that wives can't hear open.

Some folks are so eager to find fault, you'd think there's a reward.

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.

I like my sex the way I like basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

I'm such a terrible lover, I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.

It's good to question authority, but not mine.

Age is just a number and mine is un-listed.

If there was a 'Bi-Sexual Pride' parade, would it go both ways?

Smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

Some people are discovered, others are found out.

May the dragon of life only roast your hot-dogs and never burn your buns.

I either want less corruption or more chances to participate in it.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, beat it at kickboxing.

The old make the rules. The young make up the exceptions.

If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed... Oh, wait... he does!

Therapy is expensive, bubble wrap is choose.

To err is human, to forgive is highly unlikely.

An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

Women and tax forms have a lot in common. Men love to cheat on them.

Women are like Angels...always up in the air and harping about something.

There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity.

Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.

They say that alcohol kills slowly... So what? Who's in a hurry?

I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet...he said "postage dew".

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

I saw a woman with the word 'Guess' on her t-shirt, I said, "implants?"

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

I wish my mouth had a backspace key.

Golf has more rules than any other game because golf has more cheaters than any other game.

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and women lay better.

Health nuts are going to feel real stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Love your enemies...just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

If stupidity got me into this mess, then why can't it get me out?

Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

When they say "instant credit" don't they actually mean "instant debt"?

I'm not completely useless. At the least I can set a bad example.

I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.

Sometimes I just can't prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind.

I work for a living, I don't live for working.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.

Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.

Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead.

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, while others only gargle.

If you need a helping hand, look at the end of your arm.

I invented a substance that can eat through anything, but I can't find a place to store it.

Some people's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per person.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers.

People with dogs are too cowardly to bite for themselves.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

People don't waste time. They just spend it on things they don't need.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

When I was a kid, I fell into an upholstery I'm fully recovered.

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

At my age, I've begun to regret the sins I did not commit.

When my wife saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

I had a girlfriend with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

Divorce is like Espresso, expensive and bitter.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

I am not honking because I love Jesus - I'm honking 'cause you can't drive

I either want less corruption, or a chance to participate.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.

For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia.

I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others bring happiness whenever they go.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage

Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies.

A walrus is like Tupperware...they both like a tight seal.

I'm not saying she's a tramp, but her idea of safe sex is to lock the car doors.

The wise man puts all his eggs in one basket and watches the basket.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter.

My marriage turned out to be a rest period between romances.

Can an orphan eat at a family restaurant ?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I told my wife that I'd like some variety in my sex life. She told me to use my other hand.

My wife signed me up for a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I may not be totally perfect, but some parts are pretty good.

My wife wanted to renew our vows. I told her I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.

Line dancing. See what happens when cousins breed?

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Our #1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything...but don't quote me.

It's not what you wear; it's how you take it off.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

The only problem with being best man at a wedding is you never get a chance to prove it!

Life is a shit sandwich and on bad days you get no bread.

I know I'm getting old... last year my insurance company sent me half a calendar.

Together we can lick pornography.

Love may not make the world go round, but it sure makes you dizzy.

Women are the kind of problem I don't mind wrestling with.

My mind works like brilliant flash and it's gone.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.

Never argue with an idiot - folks might not be able to tell the difference.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

My wife not only fakes orgasms, she fakes cooking and housekeeping too.

I am not going bald... I'm getting more head.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Do unto others... then bill them for it.

I find that planning my future saves me from regretting my past.

I don't hate my ex-wife...I worship the quicksand she walks in.

My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Insanity is taking its toll. Please use exact change.

Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?

My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.

Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.

Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna really did have a first name.

Sex is not a answer. Sex is a question. Yes is the answer

My wife dresses to kill. Too bad she cooks the same way.

Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Some do Jenny Craig, Some do Richard Simmons...I do Sara Lee

I don't get even, I get older.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

I'm not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.

Do deaf gynecologists read lips?

I hate cooking so much, I don't even butter my bread.

I have a devoted wife who lets me give it to her both or credit.

My wife came home one day and said, "Look honey, I lost 15 pounds." I said, "If you look behind you, you'll find it."

A lie has no legs to stand on, but it gets places.

Some people just don't know how to drive: I call these people, "everybody but me"

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Do women's breasts really swell in the summertime, or is it just me?

We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

I don't care if my wife leaves me...just so long as she leaves me enough.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Experience: what you get when you don't get what you want.

How much Healthy Choice Ice Cream can I eat before its no longer a healthy choice?

False hope is better than no hope at all.

Everybody is ignorant, just on different subjects.

Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the blame.

I love to give homemade gifts...which one of the kids would you like?

My hometown is so tough, gun shops have "Back to School" sales.

Did you ever notice that there are more horses' asses in the world than there are horses.

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?

If life hands you lemons... stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

I am at one with my duality.

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

The average person thinks he isn't.

Never mistake motion for action.

Never argue with your wife. Just dicker.

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Birthdays only come once a year. Aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

To be successful at fishing, you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

My wife told me that I have a VCR: Very Cute Rear

Sometimes I think that this world is another planet's Hell.

Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

To err is human. To forgive is highly unlikely.

If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?

Life's a buffet... so eat me!

Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat minor.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I love eating GRITS...Girls Raised In The South

If you laid every woman of earth end to end... you'd probably have a really sore penis.

If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing, would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege... only a married person can get divorced.

I always thought music was more important than sex. Then I thought, "if I don't hear a concert for a year, it doesn't bother me".

Right now in Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots.

My pregnant girlfriend reminds me of a burned cake. I wish I had removed it a minute earlier.

I only take a half of a Viagra pill. It's just enough so that I don't piss on my shoes.

I don't give a shit, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.

I wonder what God was thinking when he came up with the idea of pubic hair.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Remember the times when the air was clean and sex was dirty?

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.

Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been grounded.

You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day.

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba The Hut?

Always do the right thing. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.

I Have a degree in Liberal Arts. Do you want fries with that?

Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

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